1. You are actually autistic.
This is pretty much the foundation for what follows. If you aren’t actually autistic, then please find some other excuse for all your problems. Tip: a lot of neurotypical folks seem to enjoy blaming shit on an autistic person. I’m not sure how they rationalize this, because many can see and will even admit that autism causes problems for an autistic person, but somehow they seem to think that it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the particular problem they’re trying to blame on the autistic person they’ve chosen to scapegoat at that moment.
2. You need a polite way to tell someone to fuck off.
People hate it when you blame all your problems on autism and if you do it consistently in their presence they will eventually go away and leave you alone. I’m not sure what the real reason for this is, but if you ask they’ll say something like, “But what if you murder someone?” Now, if ever you find yourself trapped in this kind of conversational cul-de-sac, do NOT say anything snarky like “there’s only one person I’ve ever wanted to murder, but then I realized that I prefer to just watch you suffer.” Rather, calmly explain that you have never murdered anyone before, indeed have no wish to harm anyone at all, and are in fact philosophically opposed to violence. That probably won’t cure them of their irrational fears, but it will at least give your interlocutor the impression that you’ve taken the question seriously.
3. You botch things up royally in some way and have no idea what to do about it.
This one is tricky. In a situation like this, and if you’re anything like I am, your natural inclination may be to apologize profusely and to feel like a total loser. DON’T DO IT!!! Or at least, do not admit to doing this. Hide those guilty thoughts and feelings deep, deep down somewhere in the impenetrable fortress of your most private self. Look, if you pay close attention to neurotypicals (not too close or you’ll spook them and they’ll slap a restraining order on you), what you will see is that very, very few of them know how to take responsibility for themselves. Oh, yeah, sure, they talk a good talk, and will often appear to take responsibility for a mistake, provided it’s one of those small-potato mistakes that anybody might make. But as soon as they screw up big time — commit some really bizarre super-gaffe (a daily occurrence for some of us) — then suddenly they turn into scapegoat shepherds, and if you’re anywhere in the vicinity, you’ll be branded into their personal herd. This is why it is imperative in such situations that you fully avail yourself of that cornerstone of the U.S. Legal System: INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY!!!! And the simplest and most effective way to accomplish this (again, provided that you’re actually autistic) is just to blurt out “AUTISM MADE ME DO IT!!!” or something like that. By doing this you will shove the full burden of proof onto the shoulders of any witnesses.
4. You want to promote thought and discussion about autism.
When you start to blame all of your problems on autism, people are going to feel uncomfortable about it and want to talk about it. They probably won’t want to talk to you about it, but at least they will talk to each other. No doubt this talk will lead to additional conversation about autism in general, and perhaps other good stuff too like responsibility, ethics, equality, justice, and so forth. By the way, this is not why I’ve decided to blame all of my problems on autism, but it’s still a pretty good reason so I figured I’d list it. For my part, I’m just doing it because I’m sick and tired of being held accountable for shit I can’t control. I do realize that people will continue to blame me for whatever they want no matter what I do, but at least I won’t be helping them.
5. You’re sick and tired of being held accountable for shit you can’t control.
6. You have problems.
Look, regardless of your particular problems, the fact is that if you are autistic, then at the very least autism exerts some sort of influence on all of those problems. Anybody who thinks that you somehow have two distinct types of problems — autism problems, say, and then “normal” problems — is just talking nonsense. Of course the actual effect of autism on any given problem will be more or less with respect to any other, but one way or another, you cannot escape autism’s influence on any of your problems, whatever it may be.
Now, one way in which autism can influence a given problem is through your own subjective judgments regarding just how much autism actually influences that problem. More specifically, any time you think something like “autism is 40% responsible for causing problem X”, you are most likely wrong about the 40%. Maybe you’re close — maybe the real number is 38% or 44%, but you’re almost certainly off one way or another. But really it’s quite likely you are way off the mark in these kinds of assessments. One’s feelings of confidence and especially certitude are notoriously unreliable in these kinds of judgments. Unless you have access to some objective way to measure the influence, you’re really just guessing, so why not guess that autism is 100% responsible for all of it? To the extent that a problem is trivial, the consequences of blaming it all on autism will also be trivial. And to the extent that a problem is serious — i.e., “not normal” or not the sort of problem that a normal person would have — then it’s quite likely autism truly is the root cause of the problem.
So, what do you think? Can you think of other good reasons to blame autism for all of your problems? Or maybe you can think of reasons not to do this. Either way, please share your thoughts in a comment below, unless of course you are seriously worried that I might one day use autism as an excuse to murder someone. If that’s the case, please know that I have never murdered anyone before, indeed have no wish to harm anyone at all, and am in fact philosophically opposed to violence.