Dear Mr. Lang,
First, I wish to explain here why I feel absolutely no shame, remorse, guilt, or regret for allegedly frightening you and at least three other MetLife employees on June 14 when I took my quiet and polite stroll through the buildings of the MetLife, GTO campus in Cary, NC.
To be clear: I don’t use allegedly here out of any suspicion that you and the others may only be pretending to feel fear. On the contrary, I find wholly credible these words from your own sworn affidavit, for example, which was submitted to the Wake County District Court at the end of June in support of MetLife’s request for a No Contact Order against me:
“…this post, coupled with the fact that Mr. Scholten broke into MetLife and came specifically to the executive offices, cause me to fear for my safety…”
Especially after watching the moving testimony of the three others who found the courage to face me in Court last week, I am quite certain that the fear is real for all of you, for which you have my sincere sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Furthermore, I can only feel admiration for the three who had the guts, despite their fear, to sit not 10 feet from me in the courtroom, even though I wore no cuffs nor chains nor muzzle to restrain me (I would have, and with great panache, but no one thought to ask me).
No, it’s not the fear itself that I find suspicious, but the idea that it was somehow caused by me, which is why it’s difficult for me to feel any guilt, remorse, etc. regarding your anxieties. You see, I happen to know as a matter of fact that I am physically harmless to all human beings, including all who work for MetLife, including the four of you. And because I know this all as a matter of fact about myself, I can only conclude that you cannot possibly be frightened of me, per se, which is to say, the real me, the human being I actually am, but rather you simply must be afraid of your own misunderstanding of me.
Mr. Lang, I am not your misunderstanding of me. Your misunderstanding of me is a figment of your own imagination. It is pure conjecture, a speculative bogeyman built from irrational neuronal activity sparking and echoing zealously within your own skull. Your misunderstanding of me is a frightening fantasy, a kind of waking nightmare you’ve been having, and one that is proving more and more consequential for me and my family — my children!
As you surely realize, by writing to you in this way I am now in direct violation of the useless and wholly unnecessary No Contact Order that was granted to MetLife last week by a Wake County District Judge, and if you don’t quickly find the courage to face your hysterical fear of your misunderstanding of me (and come to my defense), your cowardice will surely now result in my incarceration and a permanent criminal record.
I implore you, Mr. Lang, please don’t be a coward here. The juvenile inability to confront one’s own irrational fears is dangerous in a leader such as yourself. Please, good sir, I beg of you: dig deep, “grow a pair”, as they say, and manifest the courage you need in order to face what frightens you needlessly (your misunderstanding of me).
I can help you do this. I am willing to sit down with you at your earliest convenience and speak frankly with you, answer any questions you may have, help you prove to your own satisfaction that you are perfectly safe in my company. I want to help free you from the burden of your childish cowardice. I want to help you grow and develop into the morally mature and responsible adult you can surely become. No doubt you will be a better leader for it, and MetLife can only benefit as a company. For my part, you will also share in the admiration I feel for those three subordinates of yours who bravely accepted last week to be used by you in court as a human shield.
You are afraid; I get that. But cowering behind your subordinates and a useless No Contact Order will only perpetuate your fear and delay the inevitable. You are a leader, sir, and a leader must have the courage to face his irrational fears. Well, I can assure you that your fear of your misunderstanding of me is as irrational as they come. That bogeyman of yours simply does not exist. The real me comes to you in peace and with an open hand extended in friendship toward you.
I sincerely hope that you can find the courage to accept it. If you do so, then you will get to know the real me, at least well enough to see that you need not fear me.
And if you do not, well, I’m pretty sure this letter will give the District Judge what she needs to lock me up for awhile. If she does that, then it is my sincere hope that the fact of my incarceration will help you find at least some relief from the burden of your own cowardice.
Otherwise, you may wish to look into entering the Federal Witness Protection Program. I don’t know if they’ll accept to protect you from figments of your own imagination, but you can always ask.
Hope that’s helpful!
Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”