Are you worried that I may have “crossed a line” by committing a felony in protest of the Trump Administration (not to mention everything else that a sane person might protest, especially the fact that since Trump became President I’ve been fired illegally twice for being autistic)?
Does it seem like I’ve gone “too damn far” by stealing a laptop loaded with protected customer information from the most recent company to fire me for having autism (a company which shall remain nameless, for now, and for reasons that are seeming less reasonable by the hour)?
Would you like to receive the attractive brown paper bag full of lawn clippings shown in the photo above as a Thank You gift?
If so, then today’s your lucky day! Because with just a simple phone call to the FBI you can get that bag of lawn clippings as my Thank You gift simply for “dropping a dime on me” to the FBI regarding the above concerns in particular or in fact really any concerns at all you may have and which follow from my recent public confession that I have committed a felony cyber-crime just to protest, for example, the Trump Administration along with the fact that I’ve been fired illegally twice (for being autistic) since Trump became President, and in fact pretty much everything else that a sane person might protest these days, including but not limited to all the items discussed in yesterday’s open letter to President Trump’s acting Chair of the EEOC, Ms. Victoria A. Lipnic.
By the way, in case a bag of grass clippings isn’t already enough incentive, you should probably also recognize that the truly enormous size of my latest ex-employer’s customer database implies an excellent chance that I may in fact now be in possession of your own name, birthday, and Social Security Number.
So don’t delay. Address your concerns, whatever they are. Drop a dime on me to the FBI today!
Turn me in, please! Do it now, I’m begging you! Don’t over think it. Just follow this link to the FBI Contact Us webpage or do an Internet search on “report a crime to the FBI” and follow the easy instructions you will find.
And yes, I am being totally serious about everything except the bag of grass clippings. That part is really just a joke that I’m hoping will set you at ease long enough to get you to read this post. To be clear: I am not seriously offering anybody a bag of grass clippings as a Thank You for turning me into the FBI. But for the most part I’ve been posting on this topic with a straight face for several days now, and I really do not understand why I am not already in a jail cell.
I’m a friggin’ outlaw, for crying out loud! Somebody, please, do something!
I thank you sincerely in advance for you help,
Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”
 In case it isn’t perfectly obvious: I’m really just kidding about the bag of lawn clippings. But I am definitely not kidding about asking you to turn me into the FBI. That part is quite serious. It’s been several days since I publicly confessed to stealing the laptop in question along with the protected customer data it contains, and so far I’m still a free man. I find this weird and disturbing, to say the least. I thought for sure I’d at least get a knock on the door from the police, but so far nothing — which is to say nada, nichts, rien, nyet, etc.
Is this a race thing I’m witnessing? Am I being protected by my so-called “white privilege”? Seems like these days black people can get arrested for forgetting to cover their mouths when coughing. I’ve stolen a friggin lap top and so far nobody seems to care!