Diversity Acceptance Consultant, At Your Service! — Another Open Letter To The Folks Who Recently Fired Me Illegally For Being Autistic

Dear Folks Who Recently Fired Me Illegally For Being Autistic:

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This is not really a picture of the laptop I’ve stolen, but it does exemplify the kind of excellent care I am taking of the real device. Everyday I take it out for some fresh air and sunshine. Image Credit: Pixabay

First, it’s been a good 10 days now since I’ve confessed to stealing your laptop in order to protest your decision to fire me illegally for being autistic, and I must admit that I feel surprised but fundamentally relieved that I haven’t been arrested yet.

Although I am psychologically prepared to “do the time” for this civilly disobedient cyber crime I’m committing, of course I’d much rather you all just come to your senses and give me back the job you stole from me. But if you really want to send an autistic man to prison over this, well, then rest assured I’m really prepared to go. But in the meantime, every day that I don’t go feels like a gift, and I’m grateful and fundamentally relieved to receive it.

I don’t know what’s taking you all so long to figure out what to do about our predicament, but as long as you’re mulling things over, I would like to suggest a third option — a kind of compromise, really — if it will make things easier for everybody. Basically, I’m wondering if you might like to become my very first paying clients for my new Diversity Acceptance Consulting business.

Please allow me to elaborate:

The obvious (to me) fact that you all fired me for being autistic strongly suggests that despite your company’s being one of the more autism friendly places to work, it nonetheless has some growing it might do with respect to its current Diversity and Inclusion Strategy — especially as this strategy addresses the autism issue, specifically, but probably also the more general issue of psychiatric disability as wellIn my opinion, and I hope you will agree, your company could really benefit from the help of an actually autistic person such as myself — someone who has the skills, background, and experience necessary to challenge your own complacent (let’s face it) and self-congratulatory (just being honest here) status quo, and to lead you all towards greater awareness, understanding, and especially acceptance of autistic people and more generally the psychiatrically disabled as well.

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Again, not your laptop, per se, but yours is comfortable and in the company of friendly and familiar objects. Image Credit: Pixabay

Now, I realize you’re probably skeptical, of course. I know my methods are somewhat eccentric or unconventional. Heck, I bet I’m the only service provider you’ve ever encountered who is actually willing to risk going to prison in order to offer his services to a prospective client, am I right?

But if you know anything useful about autism, you know that if I were truly capable of doing things the way normal people do them, I would have done so long ago. I didn’t choose to be the way I am. Nobody chooses to spend his life with his nose pressed to the glass wondering what its like to be a “normal” person. And nobody should be surprised when an autistic person does something unconventional, eccentric, or just plain weird. If my methods surprise you, then clearly you haven’t spent enough time with autistic people, and that’s a problem I was born to help you solve.

Also, I think if you are honest with yourselves — if you take a good hard look at the facts —  you’ll see that much of my work with your company has already been completed. I’m sure that if you all take careful stock of what you’ve learned about autism in the past few weeks — learned with my help, and, I might add, at great personal risk to me and my family — if you really open your eyes to how you now feel about autistic people (perhaps not me, per se, but at least other autistic people) and especially the whole situation vis-a-vis autism in general, I’m quite sure you will see that I definitely deliver the goods. I’m sure you are now much more aware, understanding, and accepting of autistic people than you were.

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Image Credit: Pixabay

I’m all about customer satisfaction, and oh, did I mention that I offer a 100% money back guarantee?

Yes, that’s right, you understood correctly — a 100% money back guarantee!

Due to the unorthodox nature of the service I offer, for now at least I have chosen to use an entirely tip-based business model. Like a waiter in a restaurant or a street performer, first I deliver my service to my customers for their complete enjoyment, and only after they’ve had a chance to fully benefit from that service do I offer them the opportunity to pay me, with absolutely no obligation to do so.

Yup, you understood that correctly: if you are not completely satisfied with my Diversity Acceptance Consulting service, then you don’t have to pay me a dime. Of course, if you are, say, 30% satisfied, then my hope is that you will pay me 30% of what you would have paid me if you’d been 100% satisfied, but I will leave all of those details entirely to your discretion. The upshot here is that because I’m running a tip-based business with all this, my customers have total control over whether and how much I get paid or not.

In any case, that’s the compromise I’d like to offer you. If you simply cannot give me back my job, and you simply cannot bring yourselves to press charges against me, then how about taking a middle road by becoming my first paying customer for my Diversity Acceptance Consulting business? If you do that, I will still keep your laptop as a souvenir, but you can definitely deduct the cost from whatever you were going to pay me.

I hope that makes things easier for you all. As I said, I am all about customer satisfaction!

Sincerely,

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”

Diversity Acceptance Consultant — at your service!

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Image Credit: Shutterstock (colored blocks)

Calling All Slackers: How to Get Paid and Save the World by Being Lazy, Ignorant, and Self-Entitled

two_boys_poverty_316x210Do you need money? Do you want to help save the world? Are you lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled? If so, then today is your lucky day, because I have recently invented an easy way to re-purpose your currently worthless and embarrassing slackritude into a powerful world-saving money-machine.

[Note: if you are just too educated, hard-working and humble to qualify as a slacker, then don’t despair. You can still use this method, but you probably won’t make as much money. But then again, you probably don’t need money because you have a real job, and in any case you can still feel good about helping to save the world.]

Slackers have always been a persecuted minority. Most of us despise slackers and see them as merely human-ish. They are forced to live in a world that reviles them, marginalizes them, insists that they work for a living like everybody else. Everywhere are advertising messages, movie characters, and other constant reminders that all so-called “real” human beings are hard-working, educated, and humble; and that slackers are somehow defective, inferior sub-human beings. Slackers are systematically denied opportunities to relax, enjoy, love, and really for no other reason than that they earnestly believe that the rest of us owe them a luxurious lifestyle.

If you are lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled (or simply want to save the world), then get ready to transform your life, turn the world on its head, and become the envy of everyone who is too proud to accept charity.

Introducing: Diversity Acceptance Consulting

Diversity Acceptance Consulting is a totally new profession that I am currently inventing  by myself (but only because I haven’t yet been able to entice anyone else to invent it with me). It is nothing less than a way to fix everything wrong with you by re-purposing or up-cycling it into a professional credential. Although in this post we are looking at the particular credential package of laziness, ignorance, and self-entitlement, literally anything and everything about you that may be viewed by others as weird, strange, foreign, yucky, gross, offensive, unattractive, inappropriate, or somehow undesirable can be used by you to do Diversity Acceptance Consulting, if you so choose.

Here’s how it might work if you are lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled:

Whenever a so-called “normal” person — educated, hard-working, humble — becomes aware of your lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled ways, they are presented with a wonderful opportunity to practice and develop their own ability to become aware of, understand, and accept someone they currently despise. But that way of describing it suggests that you as a slacker are somehow constrained to the role of passive bystander. With that way of viewing it, you’re just sort of there by accident, slouched on a couch littered with candy wrappers, binge watching Downton Abbey, and waiting for your soul-mate to break into your home and kidnap you; and whether the so-called “normal” person is even aware of this opportunity, and actually sees it as such is entirely up to him or her.

But you don’t have to be so passive. Even though you are a slacker, there is really nothing stopping you from taking an active role in the encounter. You can literally choose to take control over the situation and guide it proactively toward success. For example, you can simply tell the other person that your own slackrositous magnificence is an opportunity for them to practice and develop their ability to be aware of, understand, and accept boorish space-wasters such as yourself. For example, you might say to them something like,

poor-child_210x224Hello. I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in raising awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who are lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled like I am. Basically, it’s my job to help hard-working, educated, and humble people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept that people like me are perfectly normal human beings who just happen to be lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled. If you see value in your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and pay me to help you further develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people like me.

Now, that’s really a hypothetical example. Here is the real deal:

If You Like This Idea, Please Pay Me For Sharing It With You

dscholten 8-8-15Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”, and I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in halitosis acceptance. What that means is that it is my job to help people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept walrus breath as a perfectly normal part of the human experience. If you value your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and to pay me to help you develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people struggling to survive with breath that can ruin photographs while living among people who can be french-kissed immediately upon waking.

If you would like to pay me for this service, which I provide to my clients in part by refusing to brush my teeth and by chewing plenty of fish oil capsules and raw garlic, then please visit my How to Hire Me Retroactively! page and follow the instructions there.

If You Really Like This Idea, So Very, Very Much That You Too Want To Get Paid And Save The World With Whatever Is Unique About You

If you love as much as I do this idea of Diversity Acceptance Consulting, and you want to get started in this profession, then this is your invitation to do so. And here is one basic way to do it (you are welcome to invent your own way):

  1. Identify your own specialty or specialties: make a list of everything you’re ashamed of, embarrassed about, etc. — the stuff that makes you weird, offensive, or otherwise rejectionable. These are your credentials as a Diversity Acceptance Consultant; this is your platform, your own unique area of expertise. Note: If you really can’t think of any reason that someone might reject you for, then you can use “in deep denial about how others see me” or maybe even manufacture the aforementioned halitosis credential by refusing to brush your teeth and chewing fish oil capsules and cloves of garlic on a regular basis. There are surely other credentials you can simply adopt as well.
  2. Take a proactive role in presenting your credentials to others as opportunities to increase their awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who share your credential or credentials.
  3. Ask them to pay you for this service.

A few additional points: I view the development of the Diversity Acceptance Consulting profession as an open source project, by which I mean that nobody actually owns this amazing idea it, and anybody is free to contribute to its development and evolution, provided she or he does not try to take control over the project and turn it into some closed source thing.

Have fun, and let me know what you think!

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Welcome to My Blog: if You Laugh It’s a Joke, otherwise It’s Art (Especially if It Makes You Feel Kind of Uncomfortable)

The other day I saw a man sitting quietly by himself on a bench in the park, so I approached and asked, “excuse me sir, but do you believe in Jesus?”

He seemed surprised by the question, but then after thinking a moment said, “well, yes I do!”

So then I said “oh”, and paused quietly a moment to think and then continued: “Well, what about psoriasis?”, which was supposed to be a joke! See, my real goal for the encounter was to talk with him about the topic of human diversity. I see this sort of grass-roots, street-level conversation between myself and individual, arbitrary strangers as being a key component of my business model for my new Diversity Acceptance Consulting business. This is how I plan to peddle my product: increased awareness, understanding, and acceptance of human diversity. And to make it concrete, I plan to use pretty much everything about me that might conceivably make me rejection-worthy — the fact that I’m autistic, the fact that I sit when I pee, etc., and as part of my strategy for this particular fellow, I had decided to focus our discussion on my unsightly, psoriatic elbow skin. I had chosen to completely ignore the fact that I’m autistic that day, just to see how things would go. I was going to be just a regular guy talking to a perfect stranger about my psoriatic elbows.

“See?” I said to him, showing him my right elbow. “I’ve got psoriasis. Do you believe in psoriasis?”

Keep in mind, please, that in my head all of this was supposed to be funny. I was trying to get this guy to crack a smile. But he didn’t, and quite stubbornly so. But instead of  just apologizing profusely to the poor man and leaving him alone, for some reason I chose to double down on this train wreck and went wholly in the other direction: I thrust my elbow closer to his face and said, “here, wanna smell it?”

Big mistake. I’m lucky he didn’t punch me right there. But he did get up and I backed away and apologized and he was just shaking his head and saying “please, please, man, just leave me alone. I do not want to talk with you. Please just go away.”

And I did, of course. I felt awful about the disaster. That poor man had been just sitting there quietly, minding his own business, and it was like I abruptly swooped out of the sky like a pterodactyl, opened my sphincter, and released a bucket load of guano all over him, for no apparent reason.

I wish I could say that it ended there, but I was on a roll and couldn’t stop. I actually went back — to apologize more — and I can’t even bear to explain what happened during the next three awful minutes, other than to tell you that it never came to blows — thank goodness — and I definitely wound up playing the autism card. Also, no humans were physically injured, and my parting words to him were “I’m really sorry, man. I feel like an asshole. You win!

I don’t think he felt much like a winner.

 

 

The Diversity Acceptance Project

diversity_hands_707x500Well, it’s now official. I’ve gone and set up a blog for The Diversity Acceptance Project. I’ve mentioned else where that I see this as an “open source” effort, by which I mean anybody can contribute, provided that he or she doesn’t prevent anybody else from contributing. It must remain open source and its materials will be free to use as anybody wishes. That’s the general gist at this point. This is the first time I’ve tried to do something like this, so I’m sure I have a lot of mistakes in my future.

At the moment I am the only one actually working on this project, but if you’d like to participate, please shoot me an email from the contact page of this or that blog. I will add you as a user and you can do your own posting, etc. The only requirement at this point I think is that whatever you post will have to have some clear relevance to the topic of diversity awareness, understanding, and acceptance.

Please stop by the blog to like it, comment on it, follow it, and all that good stuff!

🙂

 

From Bug to Feature: One Easy Way to Fix Anything You Judge to Be Wrong With Yourself, Right Now and for Free!

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Would you say this picture does a good job of representing how you currently judge yourself or maybe some aspect of yourself? For me it used to be a good way to represent how I felt about certain consequences arising from my own idiosyncratic manifestation of autism (explained below). Image Credit: Pixabay

Do you seem to have a few “bugs” in the design of your brain or body? Do you currently judge yourself to be defective in some way? Weird? Misshapen? Inappropriate? Do you judge some personal trait of yours — perhaps some characteristic, attribute, quality, habit, etc. — to be “too X”, where X is any one or more of the following: fat, skinny, big, small, ugly, attractive, bald, hairy, nice, mean, timid, rude, awkward, elegant, crude, refined, discolored, colorless, dry, moist, wrinkled, without texture, dark, light, boring, or interesting?

If that list doesn’t contain your own special X or maybe X’s, please don’t worry about it because it really doesn’t matter what it is that you judge to be wrong with yourself. Believe it or not, whatever your own “bugs” are, you can easily convert any or all of them into wonderful and thoroughly functional features. Whatever you currently judge to be wrong with you, you really can fix it, right now and for free.[1]

The technique is simple, easy, and astonishingly effective. It is actually a brand new application of exactly the same creative process you use whenever, for example, you pry open a can of paint with a screw driver, or scrape your fingernails clean with the key to your front door. The general principle underlying this type of re-purposing can be summarized as follows:

Functionality/utility depend on context. A given person, place, thing, concept, quality, attribute, trait, characteristic, etc. is more or less functional/useful according to where and how it functions/is used.

This is true in general, but the goal here is to apply this general principle to the specific task of fixing some one or more of your own personal traits (i.e. characteristics, attributes, habits, qualities, etc.) that you yourself judge to be broken in some way (i.e. defective, wrong, ugly, etc.) As you read what follows, you may wish to keep in mind an example of such a personal trait so that you can fix it as you read, but for the sake of illustrating this process, I will use my own uncanny ability to induce some truly worrisome levels of frustration in at least some people.

furious-girlThis particular aspect of my own idiosyncratic manifestation of autism has tended to make my life quite the train wreck over the years, by which I mean, for example, that it once actually drove somebody to toss a knife at me, stabbing me in a knuckle; another person brandished a knife in my general direction; yet another felt compelled to obtain a restraining order against me; and countless others have expressed their frustration toward me via such diverse behaviors as teeth sucking, eye rolling, growling, cursing, screaming, walking away in a huff, refusing to speak to me for several days, or ever again (apparently). That last group includes mostly girlfriends and ex-bosses (not to mention the companies that employ them), but it also includes at least a few friends and family members as well. Although I have never been convicted of any crimes (nor committed any), and have remained friendly with both of my ex-wives, at least two ex-girlfriends, and perhaps 3 or 4 ex-bosses, all of that simply means that things might have been a whole lot worse, which is not to say that they were easy.

Now, in the past I would have taken care to qualify all of this, perhaps by writing “ability” instead of ability, where the quotation marks would signal that I’m using the word as a euphemism for personality defect or character flaw; or perhaps by explaining that “I’m not proud of this so-called ‘ability'” — thus implying that I was ashamed of it — or “never asked for it”, “never wanted it”, “never deliberately set out to frustrate anybody”, etc., but thanks to the process I’m about to share with you, I have almost completely changed my mind about all of that. Although I’m still not really proud of it, per se, I’m definitely not ashamed of it anymore either. In fact, I even feel quite privileged to have it — a real stroke of good luck rather than bad. Indeed, I  see it now truly as an ability, and not some flaw or defect of my personality. For me, this thing that I can do — this ability I have to induce in at least some people truly worrisome levels of frustration — is (in my opinion) a genuine feature of my autistic neurology, and not a “bug”.

Here is how I re-purposed this “bug” in my autistic neurology so that it is now a useful feature of it.

I Became A Diversity Acceptance Consultant

diversity_heart_smallDiversity Acceptance Consulting (DAC) is a brand new profession that I am actively trying to invent. For now I am doing this alone, but you are absolutely welcome to join me. The development of DAC as a profession is an open source project, by which I mean that it belongs to everyone, and anyone can help improve it, provided he or she doesn’t try to commandeer it and turn it into something proprietary.

DAC is nothing less than a simple, easy, and astonishingly effective means to instantly transform any of your “bugs” into a wonderfully useful feature — an easy way to fix anything you judge to be wrong with yourself, right now and for free. It does this by re-purposing your “bug” into a bonafide professional credential — your own, personal licence to get right to work in that particular area of DAC specialization. You can try it out right now with the specific example you chose above, but in order to illustrate how this re-purposing process works, I’ll use the aforementioned ability of mine to induce some truly worrisome levels of frustration in at least some people.

Let’s suppose that after interacting with someone, I notice that he or she is showing signs of frustration. Hopefully he didn’t just toss a knife at me or file a retraining order, but maybe he just sucked his teeth or rolled his eyes or maybe he said something to me like “CHEESES FUCK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!” Whereas before I might have felt embarrassed, or even retorted with my own outburst (which never goes well), now that I’m a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, I can say something like this:

“I apologize if I’ve frustrated you. That is certainly not my intention. I’m actually a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant specializing in raising awareness, understanding, and acceptance of autism, and this because I’m actually autistic myself. If one knows anything useful about autism, one knows that it is fundamentally a communication disorder, and as a symptom of my own, idiosyncratic manifestation of autism, I am regrettably prone to inducing uncomfortable levels of frustration in at least some people, and although I can never be 100% certain, I find it quite likely that this is what is happening with you right now.”

Although I have yet to try out that particular script myself, I predict that it will be quite effective in diffusing the situation in question and opening up the possibility of a much less frustrating encounter. If that is indeed what happens, I can then follow up with something like the following:

“Thank you for working through that with me. May I ask you to rate my performance here as a Diversity Acceptance Consultant? Do you feel as though you now are more aware, understanding, and accepting of autism?”

If the person confirms that I have indeed been successful in my work, I can then say something like:

“Excellent! I’m glad to know that you now feel more aware, understanding, and accepting of autism. Now, please understand that I am a professional — this is how I make my living — and if you believe you are satisfied with my work here today, I invite you to consider paying me for it. You are not obligated to do so, of course, but if you wish to do so, I accept cash, checks, Master Card and Visa….”

Now, ideally the person would actually pay me, but really I suspect the greatest rewards that will accrue from this kind of work will be the sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, not simply from a job well done, but in particular from the fact that I’ve helped raise awareness, understanding, and acceptance of autism.

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This picture represents how I see my ability to frustrate people now that I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant. Image Credit: Pixabay

So that’s how I have been able to re-purpose one of my most serious “bugs”, but really the exact same process can be adapted to virtually anything from acne to zoophobia. Whatever it is that you currently judge to be wrong with you — whatever “bugs” you think you currently have in your own brain/body design — you now have an easy way to re-purpose them…

Right now and for free![1]

Have fun and please let me know what you think in a comment, or by sending me an email via my Contact page.


[1]That’s right, for free. But if you really enjoy and benefit from this post — or anything else you discover on my blog –you may wish to express your appreciation by hiring me retroactively to create it. How to do this is explained on my How to hire me retroactively page, which, by the way, you may copy and adapt to use on your own blog to make it easy for you to get started in your own career as a Diversity Acceptance Consultant! [Please remember, though, this is an open source thing, so you can copy and use it as is, but you have to allow others to do the same.]

Image Credit: Pixabay (Robot Self-Repair)

How to Get Paid and Save the World with Halitosis

man_blowing_smoke_315x210Do you need money? Do you want to help save the world? Do you have breath that sets off smoke alarms? Then today is your lucky day, because I have recently invented an easy way for you to turn that denticulated stink-hole beneath your nose into a powerful world-saving money-machine.

[Note: if you don’t already suffer from halitosis, you can still take advantage of this amazing opportunity simply by refusing to brush your teeth and chewing fish oil capsules and cloves of raw garlic on a regular basis like I do.]

People who suffer from chronic halitosis are still and always have been a persecuted minority. They are forced to live in a world that oppresses them, marginalizes them, reviles them. Everywhere are advertising messages and constant reminders that they are somehow defective, deficient, inferior sub-human beings. They are denied opportunities to work, play, and love, and really for no other reason than that they can cause gagging and eye-watering when surrounded by other people in an enclosed space such as an elevator, waiting room, or hockey arena.

horse_mouth_315x210If  you suffer from chronic halitosis (or simply want to), then get ready to transform your life, turn the world on its head, and become the envy of everyone who can’t knock a bird from the sky by yawning.

Introducing: Diversity Acceptance Consulting

Diversity Acceptance Consulting is a totally new profession. It is nothing less than a way to turn everything wrong with you into a professional credential. Although in this post we are looking specifically at the halitosis credential, literally anything and everything about you that is viewed by others as weird, gross, offensive, unattractive, inappropriate, or somehow undesirable can be used by you to do Diversity Acceptance Consulting, if you choose.

Here’s how it might work with halitosis. Whenever someone detects your bad breath, they are presented with a wonderful opportunity to practice and develop their own ability to recognize, understand, and accept someone with halitosis. But that way of describing it suggests that you are somehow constrained to the role of passive bystander. With that way of viewing it, you’re just sort of there by accident, stinking up the room, causing the paint to peel on the ceiling (melting the polar icecaps, etc.), and whether the person is aware of this opportunity, and sees it as such is entirely up to him or her.

But you don’t have to be so passive. There is nothing stopping you from taking an active role in the encounter. You can literally choose to take control over the situation and guide it proactively toward success. For example, you can simply tell the other person that your stinky breath is an opportunity for them to practice and develop their ability to recognize, understand, and accept people who have halitosis like you. For example, you might say to them something like,

walrus_cartoon_280x210Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. You can call me The Walrus, and I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in halitosis acceptance. What that means is that it is my job to help people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept halitosis as a perfectly normal part of the human experience. If you see value in your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and pay me to help you develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who suffer from halitosis.

Now, that’s really a hypothetical example. Here is the real deal:

If You Like This Idea, Please Pay Me For Sharing It With You

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. You can call me The Walrus, and I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in autism acceptance. What that means is that it is my job to help people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept autism as a perfectly normal part of the human experience. If you value your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and to pay me to help you develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who struggle with autism to survive in a world that has been largely designed by and built for people without autism.

If you would like to pay me for this service, which I provide to my clients by writing and promoting this blog, then please visit my How to Hire Me Retroactively! page and follow the instructions there.

If You Really Like This Idea, So Much That You Too Want To Get Paid And Save The World With Whatever Is Weird About You

If you love as much as I do this idea of Diversity Acceptance Consulting, and you want to get started in this profession, then this is your invitation to do so. And here is one basic way to do it (you are welcome to invent your own way):

  1. Identify your own specialty or specialties: make a list of everything you’re ashamed of, embarrassed about, etc. — the stuff that makes you weird. These are your credentials as a Diversity Acceptance Consultant. If you can’t think of anything, then you can easily create the halitosis credential by refusing to brush your teeth and chewing fish oil capsules and cloves of garlic on a regular basis. There are surely other credentials you can simply adopt as well.
  2. Take a proactive role in presenting your credentials to others as opportunities to increase their awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who share your credential or credentials.
  3. Ask them to pay you for this service.

A few additional points: I view the development of the Diversity Acceptance Consulting profession as an open source project, by which I mean that nobody actually owns it, and anybody is free to contribute to its development and evolution, provided she or he does not try to take control over the project and turn it into some closed source thing.

Have fun, and let me know what you think!

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Weirdos Wanted: Become a Professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant

Today I begin my new career as a Professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, and this is your invitation to do the same.

If you’re wondering what that means you’re in good company because I’m not quite sure myself. At the very least the product we will sell is an increased awareness, understanding, and especially acceptance of diversity, in general, but in particular that unique, particular example that we each embody as particular individuals. For my part I plan to specialize in autism, but I might also be able to have a side specialty based on my preference — despite having a penis — to sit down when I pee. A lot of men especially have a tough time with that one. I suspect the inevitable pool of piss on the floor stimulates some primitive urge to mark one’s territory, although I find it strange that the men’s room is viewed as such prime real estate. It’s not like you can raise a family in one. Heck, mothers aren’t even allowed in!

In any case, the range of specialties for this profession is virtually endless. Do you have a large, asymmetrical nose? An extra nipple? Perhaps you have dark skin, or wrinkly skin, or skin that got burned in a fire. Are you teeth crooked, brown, or missing altogether? Do you have some horrible disease or illness? Maybe your eyes don’t work, or your kidneys, or maybe you need a wheelchair to get around? Maybe you are homosexual, or transgender, or have a twin sister growing out of your back? Your own specialty can be whatever it is that makes you different from so-called “normal” people. Really, we are limited here only by what is currently considered “normal”. For example, although I am a white man, I probably won’t try to sell increased awareness, understanding, and acceptance of those traits, although a lot of white supremacists may feel differently. Apparently they see themselves as an endangered species.

Another idea I have is to make the general project of creating this profession one of those “open source” projects so that it might benefit from the collective wisdom and creativity of anybody else who likes the idea and wants to give it a go — oh yeah, and especially anyone who wants an exciting new career getting paid to be his or her own unique and special self. How’s that for an employee benefit?

Please accept this as your invitation to do exactly that.

The only restriction I can think of is that we’re not allowed to get greedy and hoard this idea in any way. It has to stay open source, but if you understand what open source is all about, then you also understand why trying to turn it back into some sort of closed source thing is a bad idea. (Hint: I know I’m not smart enough, and I doubt you are either.)

And finally, I’m thinking we need to give our customers an easy way to start paying for our services, so for my part I’ve decided to implement a pay-what-you-think-it’s-worth business model and create a “How To Hire Me Retroactively” page for my blog along with a PayPal link. You should probably do something similar, but please let me know if you think that’s a mistake. You might be right, and if so, I would like to know that.

But otherwise, the reason I think (for now) that it’s not a mistake is that my intention here is to help create a profession (as opposed to a charity, say), and professionals get paid for their services. Oh, and I have kids to feed, bills to pay, etc., and I’m sure you do too.

I’ll stop here for now, but please let me know what you think!