Calling All Slackers: How to Get Paid and Save the World by Being Lazy, Ignorant, and Self-Entitled

two_boys_poverty_316x210Do you need money? Do you want to help save the world? Are you lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled? If so, then today is your lucky day, because I have recently invented an easy way to re-purpose your currently worthless and embarrassing slackritude into a powerful world-saving money-machine.

[Note: if you are just too educated, hard-working and humble to qualify as a slacker, then don’t despair. You can still use this method, but you probably won’t make as much money. But then again, you probably don’t need money because you have a real job, and in any case you can still feel good about helping to save the world.]

Slackers have always been a persecuted minority. Most of us despise slackers and see them as merely human-ish. They are forced to live in a world that reviles them, marginalizes them, insists that they work for a living like everybody else. Everywhere are advertising messages, movie characters, and other constant reminders that all so-called “real” human beings are hard-working, educated, and humble; and that slackers are somehow defective, inferior sub-human beings. Slackers are systematically denied opportunities to relax, enjoy, love, and really for no other reason than that they earnestly believe that the rest of us owe them a luxurious lifestyle.

If you are lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled (or simply want to save the world), then get ready to transform your life, turn the world on its head, and become the envy of everyone who is too proud to accept charity.

Introducing: Diversity Acceptance Consulting

Diversity Acceptance Consulting is a totally new profession that I am currently inventing  by myself (but only because I haven’t yet been able to entice anyone else to invent it with me). It is nothing less than a way to fix everything wrong with you by re-purposing or up-cycling it into a professional credential. Although in this post we are looking at the particular credential package of laziness, ignorance, and self-entitlement, literally anything and everything about you that may be viewed by others as weird, strange, foreign, yucky, gross, offensive, unattractive, inappropriate, or somehow undesirable can be used by you to do Diversity Acceptance Consulting, if you so choose.

Here’s how it might work if you are lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled:

Whenever a so-called “normal” person — educated, hard-working, humble — becomes aware of your lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled ways, they are presented with a wonderful opportunity to practice and develop their own ability to become aware of, understand, and accept someone they currently despise. But that way of describing it suggests that you as a slacker are somehow constrained to the role of passive bystander. With that way of viewing it, you’re just sort of there by accident, slouched on a couch littered with candy wrappers, binge watching Downton Abbey, and waiting for your soul-mate to break into your home and kidnap you; and whether the so-called “normal” person is even aware of this opportunity, and actually sees it as such is entirely up to him or her.

But you don’t have to be so passive. Even though you are a slacker, there is really nothing stopping you from taking an active role in the encounter. You can literally choose to take control over the situation and guide it proactively toward success. For example, you can simply tell the other person that your own slackrositous magnificence is an opportunity for them to practice and develop their ability to be aware of, understand, and accept boorish space-wasters such as yourself. For example, you might say to them something like,

poor-child_210x224Hello. I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in raising awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who are lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled like I am. Basically, it’s my job to help hard-working, educated, and humble people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept that people like me are perfectly normal human beings who just happen to be lazy, ignorant, and self-entitled. If you see value in your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and pay me to help you further develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people like me.

Now, that’s really a hypothetical example. Here is the real deal:

If You Like This Idea, Please Pay Me For Sharing It With You

dscholten 8-8-15Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”, and I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in halitosis acceptance. What that means is that it is my job to help people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept walrus breath as a perfectly normal part of the human experience. If you value your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and to pay me to help you develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people struggling to survive with breath that can ruin photographs while living among people who can be french-kissed immediately upon waking.

If you would like to pay me for this service, which I provide to my clients in part by refusing to brush my teeth and by chewing plenty of fish oil capsules and raw garlic, then please visit my How to Hire Me Retroactively! page and follow the instructions there.

If You Really Like This Idea, So Very, Very Much That You Too Want To Get Paid And Save The World With Whatever Is Unique About You

If you love as much as I do this idea of Diversity Acceptance Consulting, and you want to get started in this profession, then this is your invitation to do so. And here is one basic way to do it (you are welcome to invent your own way):

  1. Identify your own specialty or specialties: make a list of everything you’re ashamed of, embarrassed about, etc. — the stuff that makes you weird, offensive, or otherwise rejectionable. These are your credentials as a Diversity Acceptance Consultant; this is your platform, your own unique area of expertise. Note: If you really can’t think of any reason that someone might reject you for, then you can use “in deep denial about how others see me” or maybe even manufacture the aforementioned halitosis credential by refusing to brush your teeth and chewing fish oil capsules and cloves of garlic on a regular basis. There are surely other credentials you can simply adopt as well.
  2. Take a proactive role in presenting your credentials to others as opportunities to increase their awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who share your credential or credentials.
  3. Ask them to pay you for this service.

A few additional points: I view the development of the Diversity Acceptance Consulting profession as an open source project, by which I mean that nobody actually owns this amazing idea it, and anybody is free to contribute to its development and evolution, provided she or he does not try to take control over the project and turn it into some closed source thing.

Have fun, and let me know what you think!

diversity_heart_small

Walrus Revealed!

Today, and for the first time on this blog, I am going to reveal my secret identity. For the sake of consistency I might still use “The Walrus” as a nom-de-plume, but going forward it won’t be a secret anymore. But I do wish to explain why I am doing this, so let’s start with the following background:

A few weeks back I chose to publicly expose the identity of the man who both organized and took the lead in the gang rape I endured last year. A Partner at the notorious anti-labor law firm of Seyfarth Shaw, LLP, the man’s real name is Frederick “Fritz” T. Smith, though before I published his name I had been referring to him on this blog as ‘Batman’ (for reasons that seemed much more important then than they do now).

In the event that you have never been raped yourself, or perhaps just haven’t thought or talked or read enough about rape to really understand what it means to get raped, and also in the interest of full disclosure and transparency, I see it as my civic duty to inform you here that when I say that I was gang raped last year by Frederick “Fritz” T. Smith along with roughly a dozen of my former colleagues at the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company (MetLife), and at least 3 employees of Donald Trump’s so-called “Equal” Employment Opportunity Commission, themselves working under the protective “leadership” of Victoria A. Lipnic, current Acting Chair of the “E”EOC, who not only used to work at SeyFarth Shaw, LLP, like Frederick “Fritz” T. Smith still does today, but who in fact held a pep rally at the offices of Seyfarth Shaw on Feb. 9, 2017, where she reassured Mr. Smith and the rest of her former colleagues that going forward the “E”EOC was going to sidebar “Equality” in favor of “Employment Opportunity” (Ms. Lipnic has stated publicly that she views the “E”EOC as the (merely) “EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY” Commission, suggesting that although the whole equality thing won’t be forgotten, it will surely be thrown under the bus whenever necessary in order to make sure all the able bodied, neurologically normal white men in the USA have jobs so that they can feed their livestock (cats, dogs, horses, goats, wives, mistresses, girlfriends, and kids) — when I say all of that — I am in fact using gang rape as a metaphor for what I actually endured, which is that my rapists conspired to deprive me of my legal rights as a disabled person (I’m autistic), and as guaranteed by the American’s With Disabilities Act, which is supposed to be enforced by the EEOC, but which almost always is not because most complaints are simply dismissed and returned to the plaintiff with a so-called “Right to sue” letter, which would be more aptly called a “Right to go bankrupt in an expensive court battle, unless the perpetrators were dumb enough to leave sufficient evidence of their criminal behavior” letter.

However, I cannot stress enough that for my part — when viewed from my own subjective perspective — this admittedly real distinction between getting literally gang raped, say, in the traditional prison-shower sense of the word and getting gang raped in some figurative sense is simply not that important. Again, not that important to me — the guy that got raped. Believe me, I do understand that you almost certainly disagree with me on this point, for now at least. And it’s not like I think it makes no difference at all. Clearly it does, if for no other reason than that getting gang raped in a literal, prison-shower sense is also physically dangerous, and indeed I am grateful that my physical body did not need medical attention or to heal afterwards, but at the end of the day rape of any kind — literal, figurative, etc. — is first and foremost a psychological trauma. What these folks put me through (and my family as well, indirectly) was nothing short of a cruel mind-fuck of an experience.

But all of that is a far, far too complicated way to say that which is best put most simply in terms of gang rape — yeah, sure, “in a figurative” sense if it makes you feel better, but just know that it doesn’t do anything for me — you know, the guy who got raped.

Or “thinks he got raped”, whatever.

So, that’s the background. Now, let’s return to the real point of this post, which is basically to simplify my life by telling the Truth about who I am. As you may know, I recently launched a totally new spinnoff project called The Diversity Acceptance Project. One of the basic principles of that project is the idea that when we do what I’m calling (for now) Diversity Acceptance Consulting, we re-purpose or upcycle everything we believe to be somehow broken or wrong about ourselves into a credential for doing our work as Diversity Acceptance Consultants. For example, although I plan to specialize in autism awareness, understanding, and acceptance, I have quite a few other things wrong with me that I want to use for this work as well. Psoriasis is one example (others could be given), but in particular I’d like to make use of the above mentioned gang rape experience in order to raise awareness, understanding, and acceptance of rape survivors. This means that if I want to write about that experience on the blog at diversityacceptanceproject.org I have to figure out some way to do so without revealing my secret identity, and I find I’ve been wasting too much time recently in an effort to figure that out.

So this is me throwing caution to the wind:

My real name is Daniel L. Scholten, and this is what I look like on a good day:

dlscholten 05-06-17

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”

 

 

 

The Diversity Acceptance Project

diversity_hands_707x500Well, it’s now official. I’ve gone and set up a blog for The Diversity Acceptance Project. I’ve mentioned else where that I see this as an “open source” effort, by which I mean anybody can contribute, provided that he or she doesn’t prevent anybody else from contributing. It must remain open source and its materials will be free to use as anybody wishes. That’s the general gist at this point. This is the first time I’ve tried to do something like this, so I’m sure I have a lot of mistakes in my future.

At the moment I am the only one actually working on this project, but if you’d like to participate, please shoot me an email from the contact page of this or that blog. I will add you as a user and you can do your own posting, etc. The only requirement at this point I think is that whatever you post will have to have some clear relevance to the topic of diversity awareness, understanding, and acceptance.

Please stop by the blog to like it, comment on it, follow it, and all that good stuff!

🙂

 

How to Get Paid and Save the World with Halitosis

man_blowing_smoke_315x210Do you need money? Do you want to help save the world? Do you have breath that sets off smoke alarms? Then today is your lucky day, because I have recently invented an easy way for you to turn that denticulated stink-hole beneath your nose into a powerful world-saving money-machine.

[Note: if you don’t already suffer from halitosis, you can still take advantage of this amazing opportunity simply by refusing to brush your teeth and chewing fish oil capsules and cloves of raw garlic on a regular basis like I do.]

People who suffer from chronic halitosis are still and always have been a persecuted minority. They are forced to live in a world that oppresses them, marginalizes them, reviles them. Everywhere are advertising messages and constant reminders that they are somehow defective, deficient, inferior sub-human beings. They are denied opportunities to work, play, and love, and really for no other reason than that they can cause gagging and eye-watering when surrounded by other people in an enclosed space such as an elevator, waiting room, or hockey arena.

horse_mouth_315x210If  you suffer from chronic halitosis (or simply want to), then get ready to transform your life, turn the world on its head, and become the envy of everyone who can’t knock a bird from the sky by yawning.

Introducing: Diversity Acceptance Consulting

Diversity Acceptance Consulting is a totally new profession. It is nothing less than a way to turn everything wrong with you into a professional credential. Although in this post we are looking specifically at the halitosis credential, literally anything and everything about you that is viewed by others as weird, gross, offensive, unattractive, inappropriate, or somehow undesirable can be used by you to do Diversity Acceptance Consulting, if you choose.

Here’s how it might work with halitosis. Whenever someone detects your bad breath, they are presented with a wonderful opportunity to practice and develop their own ability to recognize, understand, and accept someone with halitosis. But that way of describing it suggests that you are somehow constrained to the role of passive bystander. With that way of viewing it, you’re just sort of there by accident, stinking up the room, causing the paint to peel on the ceiling (melting the polar icecaps, etc.), and whether the person is aware of this opportunity, and sees it as such is entirely up to him or her.

But you don’t have to be so passive. There is nothing stopping you from taking an active role in the encounter. You can literally choose to take control over the situation and guide it proactively toward success. For example, you can simply tell the other person that your stinky breath is an opportunity for them to practice and develop their ability to recognize, understand, and accept people who have halitosis like you. For example, you might say to them something like,

walrus_cartoon_280x210Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. You can call me The Walrus, and I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in halitosis acceptance. What that means is that it is my job to help people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept halitosis as a perfectly normal part of the human experience. If you see value in your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and pay me to help you develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who suffer from halitosis.

Now, that’s really a hypothetical example. Here is the real deal:

If You Like This Idea, Please Pay Me For Sharing It With You

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. You can call me The Walrus, and I am a professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, specializing in autism acceptance. What that means is that it is my job to help people such as yourself to become aware of, understand, and accept autism as a perfectly normal part of the human experience. If you value your own ability to be tolerant towards people who are different from yourself, then you may wish to become one of my clients and to pay me to help you develop your own awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who struggle with autism to survive in a world that has been largely designed by and built for people without autism.

If you would like to pay me for this service, which I provide to my clients by writing and promoting this blog, then please visit my How to Hire Me Retroactively! page and follow the instructions there.

If You Really Like This Idea, So Much That You Too Want To Get Paid And Save The World With Whatever Is Weird About You

If you love as much as I do this idea of Diversity Acceptance Consulting, and you want to get started in this profession, then this is your invitation to do so. And here is one basic way to do it (you are welcome to invent your own way):

  1. Identify your own specialty or specialties: make a list of everything you’re ashamed of, embarrassed about, etc. — the stuff that makes you weird. These are your credentials as a Diversity Acceptance Consultant. If you can’t think of anything, then you can easily create the halitosis credential by refusing to brush your teeth and chewing fish oil capsules and cloves of garlic on a regular basis. There are surely other credentials you can simply adopt as well.
  2. Take a proactive role in presenting your credentials to others as opportunities to increase their awareness, understanding, and acceptance of people who share your credential or credentials.
  3. Ask them to pay you for this service.

A few additional points: I view the development of the Diversity Acceptance Consulting profession as an open source project, by which I mean that nobody actually owns it, and anybody is free to contribute to its development and evolution, provided she or he does not try to take control over the project and turn it into some closed source thing.

Have fun, and let me know what you think!

diversity_heart_small

Towards a Manifesto for a Minimally Intolerant Civilization: Part 2

For context, please see Towards a Manifesto for a Minimally Intolerant Civilization: Part 1.

Note: the notion of diversity (i.e. weirdness in layperson language) is fundamentally subjective. One person’s weirdness is just what another person considers normal. Because of this, one must be careful with phrases like “my diversity” or “your diversity”. When I say “my diversity”, I could be referring either to what I judge to be weird about myself, but I might also be referring to what you judge to be weird about me. Similar remarks apply to phrases like “your diversity” or “her diversity”, etc. Because both interpretations are valid, I will take care in what follows to qualify which interpretation I’m using, unless either it doesn’t matter or is perhaps clear from the context.

Some Basic Principles Of Diversity Acceptance

For now at least, and until I encounter the sort of evidence that might change my mind, I hold at least these principles to be reasonable:

  1. Genuine diversity acceptance can only begin with genuine self acceptance of one’s own diversity. The better I can genuinely accept what I judge to be weird about myself, the better I can genuinely accept what I judge to be weird about you. I assume that you could affirm likewise, but please let me know if you think I’m wrong to assume that.
  2. Therefore, if I would like you to accept my diversity (what you judge to be weird about me), I should encourage you to accept your own (what you judge to be weird about yourself).
  3. Some forms of intolerance are necessary and good (e.g. intolerance of murder, rape, theft, pedophilia, etc.)
  4. The very best form of intolerance would be that which minimizes the need for any sort of intolerance overall.
  5. Intolerance is always on trial, and should never be given the benefit of the doubt. Intolerance is always presumed wrong unless proven right.
  6. One should always remain vigilant to the possibility that what was once a good form of intolerance has somehow turned bad.

I would love to know what you think about the above, especially if any of it rings false to you in some way.

Note: I’m not sure yet if there will be a part 3, but in the event I will post a link to it here.


Image Credit: Pixabay

Towards a Manifesto for a Minimally Intolerant Civilization: Part 1

I Hereby Protest!

What do I protest? Well, most things I think.

Do I really need to clarify that I’m not protesting the alleged “oppression” of White Men?If I do, then I protest the fact that I actually need to clarify that. Of course I’m not protesting that!!! And if there is anything else that you’re seriously worried that I might actually be protesting even though no sane person would protest it (e.g. the alleged oppression of pedophiles? Cannibals?), then let’s just assume that I’m not protesting that either, but that I am protesting the fact that I might actually have to clarify that.

But aside from the stuff that no sane person would protest anyway, I am definitely protesting everything that all sane people do or should protest. A few examples to make the general point:

I protest the persistent, cross-cultural delusion that women and children are somehow not quite real human beings; I protest the stark, raving folly that skin color or texture has moral significance; I protest the criminal notion that in many parts of the world homosexuality is still criminalized, and the shameful fact that most everywhere else it is still viewed as somehow shameful; I protest the embarrassing belief that ignorance is embarrassing; that a lack of education is something to feel embarrassed about; that a score on an IQ test can be viewed as embarrassingly low; and I protest the profoundly stupid belief that some questions actually are stupid, despite all of the fragile but otherwise true and admirable claims to the contrary.

I could go on, but I hope that gives you an idea of the breadth and depth of my protest. In short, I protest the generally dehumanizing stance taken toward pretty much every human being who is considered somehow “not normal” in some way that always works out to be irrational and arbitrary — ranging from the color of one’s teeth to the decision to wear a condom. I protest all of that nonsense — we might call it the sanctification of the norm,  or the demonization of the weird, or simply the excessive rejection of human diversity.

Whatever you want to call it, I hereby protest it.

To summarize:

I hereby protest the excessive rejection of human diversity.

[When part 2 is published, I’ll post a link to it here.]


Image Credit: Pixabay

Weirdos Wanted: Become a Professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant

Today I begin my new career as a Professional Diversity Acceptance Consultant, and this is your invitation to do the same.

If you’re wondering what that means you’re in good company because I’m not quite sure myself. At the very least the product we will sell is an increased awareness, understanding, and especially acceptance of diversity, in general, but in particular that unique, particular example that we each embody as particular individuals. For my part I plan to specialize in autism, but I might also be able to have a side specialty based on my preference — despite having a penis — to sit down when I pee. A lot of men especially have a tough time with that one. I suspect the inevitable pool of piss on the floor stimulates some primitive urge to mark one’s territory, although I find it strange that the men’s room is viewed as such prime real estate. It’s not like you can raise a family in one. Heck, mothers aren’t even allowed in!

In any case, the range of specialties for this profession is virtually endless. Do you have a large, asymmetrical nose? An extra nipple? Perhaps you have dark skin, or wrinkly skin, or skin that got burned in a fire. Are you teeth crooked, brown, or missing altogether? Do you have some horrible disease or illness? Maybe your eyes don’t work, or your kidneys, or maybe you need a wheelchair to get around? Maybe you are homosexual, or transgender, or have a twin sister growing out of your back? Your own specialty can be whatever it is that makes you different from so-called “normal” people. Really, we are limited here only by what is currently considered “normal”. For example, although I am a white man, I probably won’t try to sell increased awareness, understanding, and acceptance of those traits, although a lot of white supremacists may feel differently. Apparently they see themselves as an endangered species.

Another idea I have is to make the general project of creating this profession one of those “open source” projects so that it might benefit from the collective wisdom and creativity of anybody else who likes the idea and wants to give it a go — oh yeah, and especially anyone who wants an exciting new career getting paid to be his or her own unique and special self. How’s that for an employee benefit?

Please accept this as your invitation to do exactly that.

The only restriction I can think of is that we’re not allowed to get greedy and hoard this idea in any way. It has to stay open source, but if you understand what open source is all about, then you also understand why trying to turn it back into some sort of closed source thing is a bad idea. (Hint: I know I’m not smart enough, and I doubt you are either.)

And finally, I’m thinking we need to give our customers an easy way to start paying for our services, so for my part I’ve decided to implement a pay-what-you-think-it’s-worth business model and create a “How To Hire Me Retroactively” page for my blog along with a PayPal link. You should probably do something similar, but please let me know if you think that’s a mistake. You might be right, and if so, I would like to know that.

But otherwise, the reason I think (for now) that it’s not a mistake is that my intention here is to help create a profession (as opposed to a charity, say), and professionals get paid for their services. Oh, and I have kids to feed, bills to pay, etc., and I’m sure you do too.

I’ll stop here for now, but please let me know what you think!