Turn Me In To The FBI Today And Win This Attractive Bag Of Lawn Clippings!!!

Dear Reader,

Are you worried that I may have “crossed a line” by committing a felony in protest of the Trump Administration (not to mention everything else that a sane person might protest, especially the fact that since Trump became President I’ve been fired illegally twice for being autistic)?

Does it seem like I’ve gone “too damn far” by stealing a laptop loaded with protected customer information from the most recent company to fire me for having autism (a company which shall remain nameless, for now, and for reasons that are seeming less reasonable by the hour)?

Would you like to receive the attractive brown paper bag full of lawn clippings shown in the photo above as a Thank You gift?[1]

If so, then today’s your lucky day! Because with just a simple phone call to the FBI you can get that bag of lawn clippings as my Thank You gift simply for “dropping a dime on me” to the FBI regarding the above concerns in particular or in fact really any concerns at all you may have and which follow from my recent public confession that I have committed a felony cyber-crime just to protest, for example, the Trump Administration along with the fact that I’ve been fired illegally twice (for being autistic) since Trump became President, and in fact pretty much everything else that a sane person might protest these days, including but not limited to all the items discussed in yesterday’s open letter to President Trump’s acting Chair of the EEOC, Ms. Victoria A. Lipnic.

By the way, in case a bag of grass clippings isn’t already enough incentive, you should probably also recognize that the truly enormous size of my latest ex-employer’s customer database implies an excellent chance that I may in fact now be in possession of your own name, birthday, and Social Security Number.

Yikes!

So don’t delay. Address your concerns, whatever they are. Drop a dime on me to the FBI today!

Turn me in, please! Do it now, I’m begging you! Don’t over think it. Just follow this link to the FBI Contact Us webpage or do an Internet search on “report a crime to the FBI” and follow the easy instructions you will find.

And yes, I am being totally serious about everything except the bag of grass clippings. That part is really just a joke that I’m hoping will set you at ease long enough to get you to read this post. To be clear: I am not seriously offering anybody a bag of grass clippings as a Thank You for turning me into the FBI. But for the most part I’ve been posting on this topic with a straight face for several days now, and I really do not understand why I am not already in a jail cell.

I’m a friggin’ outlaw, for crying out loud! Somebody, please, do something!

I thank you sincerely in advance for you help,

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”


[1] In case it isn’t perfectly obvious: I’m really just kidding about the bag of lawn clippings. But I am definitely not kidding about asking you to turn me into the FBI. That part is quite serious. It’s been several days since I publicly confessed to stealing the laptop in question along with the protected customer data it contains, and so far I’m still a free man. I find this weird and disturbing, to say the least. I thought for sure I’d at least get a knock on the door from the police, but so far nothing — which is to say nada, nichts, rien, nyet, etc.

Is this a race thing I’m witnessing? Am I being protected by my so-called “white privilege”? Seems like these days black people can get arrested for forgetting to cover their mouths when coughing. I’ve stolen a friggin lap top and so far nobody seems to care!

Seal of the EEOC

I Confess! — Another Open Letter To Victoria A. Lipnic, President Trump’s Fox-in-Hen-House Acting Chair Of The EEOC

Trigger Warning: I don’t do trigger warnings (yet).

Hello Ms. Lipnic,

Victoria_A_Lipnic

Image Credit: EEOC webpage

While you are pondering yesterday’s only-seemingly-bizarre question, (“What would you do if President Trump grabbed your ‘pussy’?“) I would like to take this opportunity to confess to you publicly that I have recently committed a (non-violent) felony cyber crime in peaceful protest of, well, pretty much everything a sane person would protest nowadays, but especially the following somewhat exhausting but certainly not exhaustive list:

  1. That a bumbling, deceitful, childish, impulsive, pathologically ignorant misogynist like Donald Trump is my President, and thereby armed to the teeth with nuclear weapons and the world’s most powerful armed forces.
  2. That President Trump promoted you in January 2017 from your 2010-Obama-appointed bipartisan role as one of several EEOC Commissioners to your current fox-in-hen-house position as Acting Chair (boss) of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). In case you seriously don’t realize it, you are a fox in the EEOC hen house because you used to work for Seyfarth Shaw, LLP, one of the top anti-Labor law firms in the world, and you are in fact still so chummy with your former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues that they actually call you “Vicki”. Also, by your own admission you have long believed and stated that you see your organization as the “underscore employment opportunity Commission”, suggesting that the notion of Equality will be thrown under the bus if necessary to further Trump’s agenda of creating jobs for the Country’s white men so that they can feed their livestock, servants, children, and wives.
  3. That you gave a private pep rally[1] to your former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues on Feb. 9, 2017 to assure them all that thanks to your new and powerful role at the EEOC it was going to become much easier for them to defend an employer’s freedom to exploit, abuse, and illegally fire their underprivileged but otherwise qualified employees.
  4. That one of your former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues — Frederick “Fritz” T. Smith — appears to have been so emboldened by your Feb. 9th pep rally, that in retaliation for the two EEOC charges I filed in 2017 against his client and my former employer MetLife, Mr. Smith subsequently felt entitled to plan and inflict upon me and my family an ordeal that was so psychologically grueling that now I feel subsequently entitled, in the first place, to describe it as a form of gang rape, and second, to commit the aforementioned non-violent yet highly illegal felony cyber crime to protest this gang rape, along with everything else I’m protesting, including…
  5. That because Donald Trump is now our Man-Child-in-Chief, and because he promoted you to your fox-in-hen-house role as Acting Chair of the EEOC, I have been fired illegally twice this past year for being autistic, and without any legal and effective means of redress.
  6. That the first time I got fired in the past year for being autistic, the company (MetLife) had the nerve to allege to the EEOC that I had been fired for “inappropriate behavior” — a lie which Donald Trump’s “Grab’em by the Pussy” Administration has rendered completely obsolete and utterly impossible to tell anymore with a straight face [ironically, the Trump Administration’s total abolition of the archaic, arbitrary, and ethnocentric notion of “appropriate behavior” is really the only good thing that Trump has done for the USA].
  7. That the second time I got fired for being autistic this year, the company[2] had the nerve to allege in writing that they were firing me because they were going “…in a different direction with the role going forward” — another completely obsolete lie that no employer should ever use again (especially if they really do need to go in a different direction with a given role, so as not to aide and abet illegal firings by providing cover for them).
  8. That because I have no legal and effective means of redress for all of these items (not to mention everything else I’m protesting and which is not listed here), I am forced now by my conscience to risk the possibility of imprisonment and a criminal record in order to protest these items.

With respect to that last item (8): In other words, I’m committing this civilly disobedient felony in part to protest the fact that I must actually resort to committing a civilly disobedient felony in order to protest that I must actually resort to committing a civilly disobedient felony in order to protest…etc., etc., ad infinitum. Yes, yes, I know, right? That infinite regress certainly does seem bizarre, doesn’t it? But it is not really bizarre when you think it through, and for the same reasons that the Trump Administration has made it perfectly not bizarre for me to ask the President’s Acting Chair of the EEOC what she would do if the President of the United States of America grabbed her pussy.


[1] In the following bone-chilling video, watch how often her former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues refer chummily to Ms. Lipnic as “Vicki”. Also, at about minute 9, Ms. Lipnic explains her nightmarish vision of her organization as the “underscore employment opportunity” Commission, strongly suggesting that going forward the whole Equality thing was more a decoration than anything truly functional. This meeting was nothing less than a pep rally she gave her former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues to assure them that it was going to become much easier for them going forward to defend an employer’s freedom to exploit, abuse, and illegally fire their underprivileged but otherwise qualified employees.

[2] I have not yet revealed the name of my most recent ex-employer, but for reasons that are becoming untenable by the day.