What I Did Not Do To Get Fired From My Last Job

If for some reason you wish to know what I definitely did not do to get fired from my last job, then please this Position Statement.

Now, you are of course perfectly welcome to jump right to reading that maliciously unflattering piece of trash fiction if you want to, but it might help if you had a little background first:


For two years I worked as a full-time employee at a company I’ve decided to call the XYZ Insurance Company — a for-profit, publicly owned billion-dollar, global, multinational insurance and financial products and services company, with resources so vast that when the company lost upwards of 2 billion dollars in 2016 it more or less shrugged it off and announced to the world “oh, well, you win some, you lose some.”

For two years I worked as a “Production Management Consultant” in the company’s global IT hub as a level-2 production support analyst, although please don’t ask me to explain what that means, because I never did actually figure it out. One thing I could never understand is why the company uses the misleading term consultant in a job title for its own employees. I was a full-time employee for the company, not a consultant. In any case, don’t quote me on this, but I think my main job was just to help my boss, a woman I have decided to call Huntress, manage the 70-or-so real consultants (i.e. contingent workers) she had in her employ.

I worked for Huntress for nearly two years, and then about three weeks before I got fired I was transitioned to a new position and a new boss, a man I have decided to call Robin the Boy Wonder (“Robin”).

Then, three weeks later, late in the afternoon on Friday May 19, 2017, Robin called me at home and then conferenced in an HR representative, a woman I have decided to call Supergirl. Speaking as though reading from some script, the two of them politely informed me that I was being fired because of what they alleged to be some “…violation of XYZ’s Code of Conduct and XYZ’s Email and Other Electronic Communication policy.”

When I asked them to clarify what that meant, they just repeated what they had said, and offered no new information. I tried to explain to them that I am autistic, and that whatever it was they were referring to it was just a behavioral manifestation of autism. I tried to explain that firing me for being autistic was illegal. I told them that they were breaking the law. But they did not believe me, and stood their ground. I became frustrated, and then angry, and then livid. I promised them both that I would prove to them that they were breaking the law. I didn’t know it at the time, but I have recently discovered that one of the laws they broke is Title 18 USC Section 241, Conspiracy against Rights.

This Federal Civil Rights Statute, under the investigative jurisdiction of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (“FBI”), empowers a sentencing authority to impose a maximum fine of $10,000 and a maximum prison term of 10 years or both, in the event that “… two or more persons conspire to injure, oppress, threaten, or intimidate any person in any State, Territory, Commonwealth, Possession, or District in the free exercise or enjoyment of any right or privilege secured to him by the Constitution or laws of the United States, or because of his having so exercised the same;….”

More specifically, I believe that Robin and Supergirl, working under the legal guidance of an attorney I have decided to call Batman, and alongside several others, most of whose names I can only guess, did “conspire to injure, oppress, threaten, or intimidate” me in my home State “in the free exercise or enjoyment” of my Constitutional Right to due process, and to my right as an autistic person to protection under the Americans with Disabilities Act (“ADA”).

As a side note, in addition to breaking this law (and others), by calling me in my home to fire me like they did, Robin and Supergirl also foolishly left in my possession the company laptop computer I’d been using for two years, and on which had accumulated, through the performance of certain normal data analysis tasks I had performed for the company, the Social Security Numbers, names, addresses, birthdays, etc. of thousands, possibly tens of thousands of XYZ’s valued customers.

Now, I don’t know about you, but if I ever found out that a company of which I was a customer, and to which I had entrusted knowledge of my SSN, name, etc., had foolishly left that information in the hands of an autistic man whose Civil Rights they’d just violated, and who was absolutely livid about it, I would take my business to a company with higher data protection standards.

In any case, a few days later I filed a charge against the company with the so-called “Equal” Employment Opportunity Commission (“E”EOC; apparently “equal” as long as you don’t have a psychiatric disability such as autism, despite the organization’s self-congratulatory advertisements to the contrary). A couple of months later the “E”EOC pretended to help us mediate, which failed disastrously, and then a couple of months after that, the “E”EOC’s so-called “investigative” unit pretended to investigate my charge, which was also a disaster.

As part of the “E”EOC’s failure to investigate my charge, the young woman who pretended to investigate it, whom I have decided to call Batgirl, accepted from Batman (remember, the attorney representing XYZ) a document that he tried to pass off as something that “E”EOC calls a position statement. In that alleged (sham of a) “position statement”, Batman tells Batgirl what I definitely did not do to get fired from my last job.

Please click here read Batman’s largely fictional version of why I got fired from my last job. In future posts I will be debunking this vicious bullshit line by line.

Image Credit: Pixabay

Please Excuse my Autistic Obsession with Title 18 USC Section 241

A hand holding an ace of hearts playing card.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

I’d like to apologize for my current autistic obsession with Title 18 USC Section 241.

I know that in general I’m not supposed to play the autism-card, but I really don’t see how else to explain it — and this is not for lack of trying. I assure you, I have tried repeatedly and with numerous people to explain this obsession so that it makes sense to to them, but so far even the friendliest responses have been — however politely so — implacably skeptical. I’ve reached the point where really the only thing left is to throw up my arms and say “oh, well, autism strikes again!”

If that seems like a cop out, well, I’m sorry for that too.

To be honest, and only in a strictly rational, dryly intellectual sense, even I can see that Title 18 USC Section 241 is probably the last thing I should be obsessing about. Back in October I found a great new job, with a great company, and which allows me to make a decent living writing and fixing computer programs — really the only thing I’ve ever tried to do  professionally that ever showed any stable-career potential, even though I have never actually been able to fulfill that potential.

And the really cool part is that I can do this full-time from home!

It was incredibly lucky for me to get this job. For my family and me it was like winning the lottery. It’s really the first dream job I’ve ever had, and it’s perfectly obvious to everyone in my life, and even I can see quite clearly — again, in a strictly rational, dryly intellectual sense — that I really ought to be obsessing about my new job, instead of Title 18 USC Section 241. Even worse, my obsession with Title 18 USC Section 241 is distracting me from my work and making it difficult to focus, thus threatening to eventually add this new dream job to my long list of career failures.

But that pit bull in my skull doesn’t seem to care about any of that.

I mean that figuratively, of course. I know that this “pit bull” is just me. In fact, I’m actually being somewhat disingenuous in talking about it like that, as though this imaginary animal’s motives were somehow inscrutable even to me — somehow not my own. But that’s not quite right. To be perfectly candid, I really do think I understand exactly why I’m so obsessed about Title 18 USC Section 241 — why it has become the most important focus of my life right now, why I think that even if it does eventually fuck up my current job, then, well that’s just too friggin bad — this law is simply more important than that. I have no problem whatsoever explaining this to myself. Within the confines of my own skull, it all makes perfect sense to me. Furthermore, and believe it or not, despite my many attempts and consistent failure to do so, I even still think that I might successfully explain my reasons to others — to you, even — if only I would just keep trying, and trying, and trying.

Which, of course, is exactly why I keep writing about it. Because from where I’m standing — given my own unique and admittedly autistic perspective on the world — I can see quite clearly just how utterly important this law actually is, even if the rest of you cannot…yet.






An Open Letter To A Certain EEOC Enforcement Superviser

Seal of the EEOC

Image found here.

Dear Wonderwoman,

In order to protect the health and safety of my family and me, I have decided to withdraw my charge 433-2017-ABCDE against my former employer the XYZ Insurance Company. Please accept this as my formal request to do so. And please let me know if there’s some form I need to fill out in order to make the withdrawal official.

I wish to be clear about my reasons for doing this. The charge was sincere and legitimate, but based on what I learned in our phone conversation yesterday, I can only conclude that allowing you and your sidekick Batgirl to continue with your so-called “investigation” will only result in even more damage to my family and me than we have already been forced to endure. I think we have all had quite enough of your so-called “help” in this matter. It’s time to cut our losses.

But I would like to sincerely thank you and Batgirl for taking the time yesterday to speak with my wife and me. And thank you, especially, for recording that conversation, as I’m quite sure you did. Please do hold onto that recording, as it captured some important information that will be necessary to support the Title 18 USC Section 241, Conspiracy-against-Rights charges I intend to file with the Department of Justice against you, Batgirl, Andromeda (the EEOC mediator), Batman, and the rest of your Unconstitutional, self-appointed, Inappropriate-Behavior Police force, which I’ll refer to here as the Justice League Gang (JLG). By the way, I’m not using these DC Comics pseudonyms simply because I think you’ve all acted like a posse of buffoonish Saturday-morning cartoon characters, but also because I’m trying to protect your privacy and especially your Constitutional rights to due process. You will want to know that this email you’re reading is actually what’s called an “open letter”, and that by the time you receive it, it will have already been posted on my blog, with minor editing, for the whole world to see.

Yup, that’s the whole fucking world!

Hey, what do you think of my use of the F-word there? I happen to think it was quite appropriate and professional, but do you agree?  If not, maybe you missed the following memo from our POTUS regarding the modern understanding of the terms inappropriate and unprofessional. It seems the rules have changed in that regard:


Image Credit: TBD

Or maybe you just disagree with Mr. Trumplethinskin. If so, then all the more reason for me to withdraw my charge, because now you definitely have all you need to complete your sham “investigation” and to publicly agree that Batman and the rest of your Justice-League-Gang vigilance committee acted with great if not extra-judicial rectitude by denying me my legal right to protection as an autistic person under the Americans with Disabilities Act, as well as my Constitutional right to due-process, and thereby bringing me to vigilante pseudo-justice for the pseudo-crime of exhibiting signs of autism in the workplace.

Maybe now you can affirm to the world that the (allegedly) “Equal” Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) officially agrees that Batman and his Saturday-morning cartoonish Super Friends made a good decision to punish me for exhibiting signs of autism in the workplace, and that they all acted quite reasonably when they sentenced me and my family to an unpredictably long period of unemployment and financial free-fall that eventually cost us some $40,000 in lost salary and benefits; when they inflicted upon us so much emotional distress that it provoked a relapse in my wife’s chronic health condition, so that she had to go on steroids for two months to quell the flare up. (FYI, the distress caused other problems too, but you get the picture.)

Yesterday’s phone conversation convinced me beyond any reasonable doubt that your obvious decision to conspire with Batman and the JLG is most likely based entirely in your own ignorance and confusion regarding Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD, autism) and probably the entire DSM V. I think it’s very unlikely that you actually went to work for the EEOC because you secretly wanted to indulge some sadistic desire to punish people with autism and other psychiatric disabilities. On the contrary, I feel quite sure that you go to work everyday with nothing but the purest intentions. In fact, you are no doubt utterly aghast at my accusations that you and your sidekick Batgirl have somehow illegally conspired with Batman and the JLG to punish me in the way you have done.

And because I am quite sure that your own defense attorneys will make much of these good intentions in their arguments for leniency, along with the fact that your own ignorance and confusion regarding psychiatric disabilities seems to be a cultural norm, I hope you can appreciate why I might care less about why you think you are entitled to deprive Constitutional rights to people with autism and other psychiatric disabilities, and am focusing now more on the fact that you clearly do feel thus entitled.

To be clear: you are not thus entitled — at least not according to the U.S. Constitution, and specifically not according to Title 18 USC Section 241, Conspiracy against Rights. And for now at least, I do not care in the least about how much good you think you have done, are doing, or will do in your capacity as EEOC Enforcement Supervisor. What I do care about is that your obvious ignorance and confusion regarding psychiatric disabilities like autism poses a serious public health hazard to everyone with such a disability, and who dares petition the EEOC for help, as I have so naively and foolishly done in this matter.

And that is why, as stated above, for the health and safety of my family and me, I hereby withdraw the above mentioned charge against my former employer. I can see now that not only is this billion-dollar, global multinational insurance company wholly incapable of taking any responsibility for its actions in this matter, but that actually the company itself should not even be held accountable for the Conspiracy against Rights crimes that a dozen or so of its own employees committed against me last year. This ruthless posse of self-appointed enforcers of XYZ’s fundamentally incoherent “Code of Conduct” would never have risked doing what they did if they hadn’t been absolutely confident that you, Batgirl, and Andromeda would have their backs at the EEOC.

The way things appear to me now, the real ring leader in these Conspiracy-against-Rights crimes is probably not actually Batman at all, but is most likely at least you, dear Wonderwoman, and quite possibly the entire EEOC. As captured in the recording of yesterday’s conversation, you clearly do not have the first useful clue about how to distinguish between symptoms of autism and behavior that is “inappropriate” or “unprofessional”, and because of this ignorance, I believe you are dangerously incompetent and unfit to fulfill your mandate to enforce the ADA in its objective to protect people with psychiatric disabilities.

And so I say to you this: thank you, Wonderwoman and Batgirl, but your services are no longer required in this matter. To phrase it in those other words made so famous by our magnificent POOTUS (pardon the typo): You’re fired!


Help, They’re Out to Get Me! — An Open Letter to the FBI

FBI Office

Image Credit: iStock by Getty

Dear FBI,

First, a little about me: I have a gift, sort of. I’m pretty sure I can take any given group of human beings and rapidly turn them against me. I don’t need them to all have anything particular or remarkable in common. They don’t even have to know each other. Whoever they are, and however many of them there are, I believe that I can more or less instantly bond them together — transform them, really, into a cohesive group, organized entirely around a shared belief that I am batshit crazy, in the first place, and in the second place, around a shared goal of rejecting me because I am batshit crazy.  In short, given some otherwise arbitrary ensemble of human beings, I can unite these folks into a conspiracy against me.

Now, does that sound paranoid? Maybe a little delusional? Do you think I’m crazy? Might you say that I am batshit crazy? And if so, does this new opinion you have of me — that I’m batshit crazy — make you want to reject me?

Well, if it does, let me assure you, you’re not alone. In fact, out there in the world right now are a great many of your brothers and sisters. I believe they meet every third Wednesday of the month to commiserate, roll their eyes, chant things like “That guy!” and “That fuckin’ guy!” and “wow, what a nut job!” Of course, I’m not allowed to go to any of these meetings, so if you do go to one, please give them all my regards, will you?

Pretty funny, right? Ha ha. But I’m really not joking — well, except for the monthly meeting; I don’t think there’s a monthly meeting. But causing conspiracies against me is an actual thing that I can do, and I’ve been doing it my whole life since childhood. Some might call it an ability, but I definitely don’t feel like it’s the sort of ability that I can control in any useful sense. It’s really more like an attribute — like a smell, perhaps; or a way of appearing; or sounding to others; or a weird taste that I leave in their mouths; or maybe a way of making them feel when I’m in their presence — a way that I give them the “creeps”.

You should also know that I’m autistic, and if you know anything useful at all about autism, you know that we autists find it very difficult to navigate the subtleties of interpersonal relationships. As a group, we are not known for our people skills. And really nobody need raise an eyebrow, or squint, or be even a little surprised when an autistic person, such as myself, inadvertently transforms some otherwise unrelated group of human beings into an actual conspiracy. This sort of scenario is practically a diagnostic criterion of autism. And if the FBI is not equipped to cope with this basic fact about autism, if it doesn’t understand it, or is not equipped to handle it in some way, then there is no meaningful sense in which the FBI can help protect autistic people from the very real conspiracies that spontaneously and far too often arise and turn against them.

Now, maybe you’re thinking something like, “Protect? Why protect? Why on Earth should the FBI protect someone from a conspiracy that he or she caused to arise in the first place? If such a person wants protection from their own self-created conspiracies, let them stop creating the damned conspiracies to begin with!”

And if that’s what you are thinking, then rest assured I agree with you, wholeheartedly. I could not be more in agreement with that advice. Really, I think that’s excellent advice. Good job, sir! You clearly have a superior sort of mind. I mean you obviously don’t have any formal training in Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), probably never read more than a magazine article about autism. I’m guessing that pretty much everything you know about autism you learned from watching Rainman, am I right? And yet…your mind….wow, your amazing mind….your laser beam perspicacity…your ability to see the one tree in a very complicated forest that even the real autism experts have been seeking for so long, and yet have not found. I mean, your ability to see the simple in the complex, to detect the subtlest of signals in the overwhelming noise, bring fresh eyes to a problem about which you really know absolutely nothing…NOTHING! I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AUTISM! CLEARLY, YOU DON’T HAVE THE FIRST FREAKIN’ CLUE ABOUT AUTISM, and yet, despite centuries of dismally failed efforts to cure autism with good advice….man…until you showed up! Golly, did you ever knock that one out of the park — cut through the layers of bullshit, and technical jargon, and Science — oh, gosh, those arrogant scientists. They always think they know what’s “probably” true within some “margin” of error based on the “best available evidence”, preferably obtained by conducting “carefully controlled” experiments published in “reputable, peer-reviewed journals”! But you….you….un-be-leevable…Really, I think your really on to something there. Yeah, you should write that up and submit it to the American Journal of Armchair Psychiatry. I think I see a Nobel Prize in your future.

OK, sorry about the rant. I know it’s a common stereotype that autistic people can’t understand sarcasm, and clearly I’m some sort of sarcasm genius….a real professional level sarcasticker. I’m like a super hero — Sarcasm Man from the Planet Sarcasticon! Saving the world from pompous fools by making them feel ashamed of themselves!

No, seriously, listen, you shouldn’t feel totally ashamed of yourself  for thinking that autism is somehow caused by a lack of good advice. Really, I think everybody wants to think that. Heck, I would like to think that. The problem is that autism just doesn’t work that way. If it did, it wouldn’t be in the DSM V. In fact, pretty much nothing in the DSM V can be cured with good advice. Imagine if you tried to advise a blind man into seeing: “You just have to really open your eyes. Come on, wider…wider!” Or to advise a man with no legs to “just grow another one. Hey, you grew the first one, didn’t you? Don’t be so negative!”

The point here is that if an autistic person were able to stop creating these kinds of conspiracies, he or she would have done so a long time ago. Nobody wants to get rejected by a group of people. I know in my own case, that has never been my goal. In fact, I’m pretty sure that whenever this happens, it does so because I’m actually trying to participate in the group, to be a constructive member, to contribute, to make myself useful to the others, to connect with them, to fit in, but then I somehow totally botch it up, and by the time I realize that it’s happened, it’s too late to fix.

And for reasons that I really do not understand, it appears to be true that the only thing I’m actually choosing to do and which appears to be causing the conspiracy is to try to participate in the group. And the only reliable way I’ve found for not causing such a conspiracy, is just to avoid people as much as possible. This was much harder for me to do as a child. As a child I spent most of my time feeling lonely. But eventually I came to embrace the solitude, even to enjoy it. Now I actually prefer it. It’s safer. People are just too complicated.

But they are also inevitable. Sooner or later, I have to cope with other people. I have to live with them, work with them, interact with them, and because they are inevitable, sooner or later I am going to botch things up and create yet another conspiracy of people who all think I’m batshit crazy and who feel compelled to reject me for it. Now, really, most of the time this collective rejection is just frustrating and depressing, and occurs for the most part without too much visible drama. But every so often, one of these conspiracies will appear to lose its hive mind and take things up a notch, going beyond mere rejection to reach down deep into to a much darker place in the human psyche. Every so often, one of these conspiracies gets it in its head to preemptively “defend” itself against me, which from my perspective feels like an arbitrary attack. And when that happens, I start to defend myself in return.

That’s when things can get really hairy — when they can really start to spin out of control. Last year, one of these conspiracies arose among a number of colleagues at work, and these people decided that they wanted to get me fired. And they eventually did. And because they didn’t have anything on me other than their mutual dislike of me, they had to poke and prod me until I overreacted enough times so that they could spin my overreactions into evidence of misconduct. They had several ways of provoking me, but one of these was to take an unbelievably long time to grant me the reasonable accommodations that I was trying to set up, so that I could do good work for the company. To give you an idea of how long: in the end the people involved in preparing the reasonable accommodations document wound up having to write/revise about 4 pages of text. To clarify, the document was just one page long, but it was went through 4 versions — 1 original, and 3 revisions. It took them 7 months to write/revise those 4 pages.

In doing this I believe they broke the law — in particular, I believe they violated the so-called Conspiracy against Rights Statute (Title 18 U.S. Code § 241). (For background see An Open Letter to the Inappropriate-Behavior Police). And even though I can see that my autism played an important causal role in creating the initial conspiracy — in making them dislike me, in turning them against me in the first place — as I understand it, our Constitutional rights to not require us to win any popularity contests. Even the worst of criminals are granted their Constitutional rights. As such, these individuals collective dislike of me did not somehow entitle them to block my exercise of the ADA and to set me up to get fired. This is just vigilantism, pure and simple. It is one thing merely to dislike someone, even collectively; quite another indeed to gang up on him in order to block him from exercising his legal rights. The first is perfectly legal; the second is a violation of Title 18 U.S. Code § 241.

I respectfully beseech your assistance in bringing these individuals to Justice.



An Open Letter to the Inappropriate-Behavior Police

The U.S. Constitution is displayed with a brown gavel on it

Image Credit: iStock by Getty Images

vigilante: a member of a volunteer committee organized to suppress and punish crime summarily (as when the processes of law are viewed as inadequate); broadly: a self-appointed doer of justice.

vigilance committee: a committee of vigilantes.

From the entries for “vigilante”  and “vigilance committee” in Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary.

Dear Inappropriate-Behavior Police (IBP),

I urge you to read this letter carefully. In doing so, you may wish to know that it’s actually an “open letter”, by which I mean that I am going to post it on my blog for the whole world to read. Yup — the whole fucking world.

Whoops! Was my use of the F-word there “inappropriate” or “unprofessional”? I really don’t think so, but perhaps you disagree. If so, I invite you to just add this allegedly “inappropriate” or “unprofessional” use of the F-word “to my tab”, so to speak – by which I mean your little top-secret list of all my alleged “inappropriate behavior” offenses. You know, the list you all fabricated during that secret sham investigation you did on me last year? I’m referring to the list that eventually deluded you all into thinking that you could actually get away with stealing my Constitutional rights to due process and to the protections offered me as an autistic person by the American’s with Disabilities Act. Yes, yes, that list – the one that led you to believe falsely that you could just fire me with impunity from my job at the XYZ Insurance Company, and this for the pseudo-crime of being autistic.

On the afternoon of May 19, 2017, as two of your own deputies were committing this crime on behalf of the rest of you – recall they actually called me at home after work and told me that I was being fired for an alleged “…violation of [XYZ]’s Code of Conduct and [XYZ]’s Email and Other Electronic Communication policy]…” – I made a promise to these two individuals, and very soon I intend to keep it. I promised these two extra-judicial IB fake-police officers that I would eventually prove to them that in firing me they were in fact breaking the law; and though it has taken me several months to figure out just how to do that, I believe I now have nearly everything I need.

I have caught you, you fools. I have caught you all. And now I’m going to help the authorities – the real policepersons, a.k.a. the FBI – to bring you all to Justice.

It turns out the law you broke is known as the Conspiracy against Rights Statute, or Title 18 U.S. Code § 241, and it empowers a sentencing authority to impose a maximum fine of $10,000.00, or a maximum prison term of 10 years, or both; and this for fulfilling any of several violation criteria, most of which don’t apply to you, but in particular one of which that does. This is in fact the Statute’s first violation criterion, which states,

“If two or more persons conspire to injure, oppress, threaten, or intimidate any person in any State, Territory, Commonwealth, Possession, or District in the free exercise or enjoyment of any right or privilege secured to him by the Constitution or laws of the United States, or because of his having so exercised the same;…”

From Title 18 U.S. Code § 241 (Conspiracy against Rights)

To clarify, I believe that my family and I are the victims of your unlawful vigilance committee, or gang of self-deputized vigilantes; whose lofty, self-appointed, and profoundly misguided purpose is to enforce a highly discriminatory and fundamentally incoherent corporate “Code of Conduct” for a certain billion dollar, global, multinational insurance company, which I referred to a moment ago as the XYZ Insurance Company (XYZ), my former employer.

In particular, I believe that roughly a dozen of you, give or take, have conspired with each other to “injure, oppress, threaten, or intimidate” me in my State of residence “in the free exercise or enjoyment” of my right to protection as an autistic person under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), and of my Constitutional right to due process.

Now, I strongly suspect you must have done this primarily as a consequence of your own ignorance and confusion regarding Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD, or autism), and no doubt the rest of the DSM V, as well. I strongly suspect that this collective ignorance and confusion effectively blinded you all to the important distinction that exists between the symptomatology of a psychiatric disability such as autism, and genuine misconduct. But however much this ignorance and confusion may explain why you broke the law, to my view it absolutely cannot excuse it. You people have way too much power, and if you are not held accountable for your actions, you will only go on to hurt others with ASD and other psychiatric disabilities — as I’m quite sure you have already done in the past, long before you did it to my family and me, and without ever getting caught.

But now I have caught you, you fools! And I’m going to help the the FBI to bring you all to Justice.

As a direct result of your unlawful actions, my family and I have had to endure intense and protracted levels of emotional distress, which continue to this day, in fact. Among the consequences of this relentless flood of cortisol through our veins and arteries, a variety of damages and injuries have ensued, including, but not limited to the relapse of a chronic health condition that my wife must manage, and which had been in remission for two years. In the end my wife had to undergo a two-month course of steroids in order to quell the flare up. We have also sustained a heavy financial loss, amounting to roughly $40,000 in lost salary and benefits, because it took 5 months for me to find another job.

I believe you should compare these unlawful posse-punishments that you imposed on us against the penalties you are likely to receive as first offenders for having violated the Conspiracy against Rights Statute. As first offenders I think you are unlikely to do any prison time, and the fines you will pay will be not more than $10,000, which is still far below the roughly $40,000 effective fine you ultimately coerced us into paying for my pseudo-crime of showing signs of autism in the workplace — symptoms which you ignorantly and vindictively stigmatized as “inappropriate” or “unprofessional”.

I urge you to note the glaring implication this comparison suggests, which is that you each appear to believe the absurdity that the pseudo-crime of “inappropriate” behavior is roughly five times worse than a Conspiracy against Rights violation – an actual Federal offense!

Now, in case you’re still not sure exactly which list I’ve been referring to, I mean the list that displays all of the cherry-picked pseudo-evidence you all tricked me into providing you – the one you probably all scrutinized so diligently during your secret sham in absentia trial of me so that you could comfortably and irrationally rationalize to yourselves sustaining the exact same conclusion you had long since jumped to like robotic little bunny rabbits in flight from the fox of your ignorance-and-confusion-fueled anxieties about, in general, the psychiatrically disabled, and in particular those of us with autism, and even more specifically me.

You know, I never did get to see this list myself, but two separate individuals have told me about it, including a former boss. I have only learned just recently what else is on the list, but during the conversation with my former boss – we spoke about it one morning late last April, barely a month before I got fired – I learned that it documented the following alleged “transgressions” of the company’s shiny, utopian, but discriminatory and fundamentally incoherent (not to mention haphazardly enforced) “Code of Conduct”:

  1. Mr. [Autistickish] was observed sitting for 10-minutes with his eyes closed in one of the chairs out in front of the building;
  2. He was also seen exercising in the company fitness center during working hours;
  3. He is often away from his desk for long periods of time.

Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? Is that really the all you had on me, just three weeks before you fired me?

Golly. You know, it’s really too bad that you all did not invite me to my own secret trial. Had you done so, I really think I could have saved us all a lot of grief. I really think I could have stopped you from firing me and from breaking the law. I could have pointed out, for example, with respect to item (1), that the company actually put those chairs out in front of the building for its employees to sit in them. With respect to item (2), I would have explained that the company allowed the fitness center to be open during the day in order to encourage employees to exercise during the day. And finally with respect to (3), I would have reminded them that company’s campus where I was working at that time had been expressly designed to implement modern productivity enhancement theory, which in this case involved encouraging employees to make use of “alternate work spaces” – to specifically not feel “chained” to their desks, is the way it was commonly explained in casual conversation. This is proudly advertised both in the company’s onboarding orientation classes, as well as written prominently on a wall next to an entrance to the dining commons. But regardless, I never was away from my desk without my mobile phone, and would have answered immediately, had the particular IBP spy that reported this alleged “infraction” seriously wanted to know where I was, instead of been just trying to cherry-pick the evidence required to justify my termination on May 19th.

I have caught you, you motherfucking fools! I have caught you all!

Why I Am Not A Conspiracy Theorist

Man wearing hat made from a colander and tinfoil

Image found here.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist because I understand that a conspiracy is just a gang of fools who share the control delusion that they’ve actually got things all figured out and under control. And a conspiracy theorist is just another fool who shares that same control delusion, even though he or she is not actually a member of the gang of wannabe conspirators.

The world is just not that simple. Although I do think it’s true that some people really do have more executive influence than others — at least temporarily and in certain situations — I think really anybody or any group of anybodies who seriously thinks that they’re running things, and especially anybody who agrees with them on that point — is disconnected from reality.

But that’s just my opinion, for now, and until I see a good reason to change it. But enough about me already. What do you think? I’d really like to know.