Autism: Best Excuse Ever

I love being autistic! It’s really the perfect excuse for everything!

–Whew! Sorry about all the farts. It’s this new anxiety medication I’m taking because I’m autistic.

–Whoops! Didn’t mean to grab your pussy like that. I guess autism made me misunderstand President Trump when I listened to that recording of him saying ‘grab’em by the pussy!’

–Your honor, the defendant is autistic, and thus cannot be held accountable for the collapse of civilization that ensued when every autistic person on the planet believed his bullshit about autism being the best excuse ever.

Now, we autistic people are just terrible at figuring out what everybody else is thinking, but I’m going to go way, way, way out on a limb here and randomly guess that you are just furious at me for calling bullshit on the idea that autistic people really have two kinds of problems: those that are “really” caused by autism, and those that are caused by a lack of that special kind of abuse that you seem so good at providing.

Well, I call bullshit! Come on, folks. Who do you think your kidding with that? Clearly you’re just envious, right? Or — whoops! — did  the autistic guy misread that?

Oh, come on, just admit it! Really, who wouldn’t want the perfect excuse for absolutely every possible situation in which a good excuse is sorely needed? Certainly not just those of us who constantly need one to survive, right? I mean, doesn’t everyone get to use the ramps and automatic doors that have been installed for folks in wheelchairs? Why should only autistic people be liberated from the burdens of personal responsibility?

Look, face it, you’re just envious because I get to do whatever I feel like doing and if anybody complains — BOOM! — out comes the “A” card, my personal licence-to-weird. Yup, you are positively ready to puke because I get to indulge all of my whims and desires, like getting fired from yet another job; or forgetting to give my daughter her seizure medication because I’m fucked up in the head because I got fired from yet another job; or botching up the new job I finally found because, yup, I’m still fucked up in the head because I got fired from yet another job!

Ahhhhh, this is living. Yes, autism — best excuse ever.



The U.S. Constitution is displayed with a brown gavel on it

Civil Rights Don’t Get ‘Violated’; They Get Raped


“Rape” is one common dictionary definition for the word “violate”. Image Credit: Merriam-Webster online dictionary.

I have learned a great deal from my numerous misadventures with “Batman” and his “Justice League Gang” . Perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned is that this linguistic convention of using a word like violated to describe what happens when someone “breaks” or “disobeys” a Civil Rights Law is ethically dubious — possibly cruel.

Civil Rights don’t get “violated”; they get raped.

In my opinion, to describe a Civil Rights crime with any sort of neutral, or objective, or “politically correct” word like violation is to risk minimizing or invalidating the trauma suffered by the victim.

Even if that victim was not really sexually assaulted, an act of Civil Rights rape can be psychologically traumatic, which for the victim is also a kind of rape — psychological rape. And I’m really not sure this is some sort of figurative interpretation of rape. Consider that rape is commonly held to be about power, not sex, suggesting that a lack of sexually related physical contact need not necessarily disqualify a given event as an example of rape. Also, however important may be the actual physical trauma of sexual assault, in the long run it is the psychological trauma that matters most. Bodies heal much more quickly than minds. Long after the stitches are removed, the STD’s are treated, and any unwanted fetus is aborted, the mind is probably still oozing pus.

The next time you catch yourself or someone else talking about a given Civil Rights “violation”, I invite you to consider that what actually happened was a Civil Rights rape.


Six Good Reasons to Blame Autism for All Your Problems

1. You are actually autistic.

This is pretty much the foundation for what follows. If you aren’t actually autistic, then please find some other excuse for all your problems. Tip: a lot of neurotypical folks seem to enjoy blaming shit on an autistic person. I’m not sure how they rationalize this, because many can see and will even admit that autism causes problems for an autistic person, but somehow they seem to think that it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the particular problem they’re trying to blame on the autistic person they’ve chosen to scapegoat at that moment.

2. You need a polite way to tell someone to fuck off.

People hate it when you blame all your problems on autism and if you do it consistently in their presence they will eventually go away and leave you alone. I’m not sure what the real reason for this is, but if you ask they’ll say something like, “But what if you murder someone?” Now, if ever you find yourself trapped in this kind of conversational cul-de-sac, do NOT say anything snarky like “there’s only one person I’ve ever wanted to murder, but then I realized that I prefer to just watch you suffer.” Rather, calmly explain that you have never murdered anyone before, indeed have no wish to harm anyone at all, and are in fact philosophically opposed to violence. That probably won’t cure them of their irrational fears, but it will at least give your interlocutor the impression that you’ve taken the question seriously.

3. You botch things up royally in some way and have no idea what to do about it.

This one is tricky. In a situation like this, and if you’re anything like I am, your natural inclination may be to apologize profusely and to feel like a total loser. DON’T DO IT!!! Or at least, do not admit to doing this. Hide those guilty thoughts and feelings deep, deep down somewhere in the impenetrable fortress of your most private self. Look, if you pay close attention to neurotypicals (not too close or you’ll spook them and they’ll slap a restraining order on you), what you will see is that very, very few of them know how to take responsibility for themselves. Oh, yeah, sure, they talk a good talk, and will often appear to take responsibility for a mistake, provided it’s one of those small-potato mistakes that anybody might make. But as soon as they screw up big time — commit some really bizarre super-gaffe (a daily occurrence for some of us) — then suddenly they turn into scapegoat shepherds, and if you’re anywhere in the vicinity, you’ll be branded into their personal herd. This is why it is imperative in such situations that you fully avail yourself of that cornerstone of the U.S. Legal System: INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY!!!! And the simplest and most effective way to accomplish this (again, provided that you’re actually autistic) is just to blurt out “AUTISM MADE ME DO IT!!!” or something like that. By doing this you will shove the full burden of proof onto the shoulders of any witnesses.

4. You want to promote thought and discussion about autism.

When you start to blame all of your problems on autism, people are going to feel uncomfortable about it and want to talk about it. They probably won’t want to talk to you about it, but at least they will talk to each other. No doubt this talk will lead to additional conversation about autism in general, and perhaps other good stuff too like responsibility, ethics, equality, justice, and so forth. By the way, this is not why I’ve decided to blame all of my problems on autism, but it’s still a pretty good reason so I figured I’d list it. For my part, I’m just doing it because I’m sick and tired of being held accountable for shit I can’t control. I do realize that people will continue to blame me for whatever they want no matter what I do, but at least I won’t be helping them.

5. You’re sick and tired of being held accountable for shit you can’t control.


6. You have problems.

Look, regardless of your particular problems, the fact is that if you are autistic, then at the very least autism exerts some sort of influence on all of those problems. Anybody who thinks that you somehow have two distinct types of problems — autism problems, say, and then “normal” problems — is just talking nonsense. Of course the actual effect of autism on any given problem will be more or less with respect to any other, but one way or another, you cannot escape autism’s influence on any of your problems, whatever it may be.

Now, one way in which autism can influence a given problem is through your own subjective judgments regarding just how much autism actually influences that problem. More specifically, any time you think something like “autism is 40% responsible for causing problem X”, you are most likely wrong about the 40%. Maybe you’re close — maybe the real number is 38% or 44%, but you’re almost certainly off one way or another. But really it’s quite likely you are way off the mark in these kinds of assessments. One’s feelings of confidence and especially certitude are notoriously unreliable in these kinds of judgments. Unless you have access to some objective way to measure the influence, you’re really just guessing, so why not guess that autism is 100% responsible for all of it? To the extent that a problem is trivial, the consequences of blaming it all on autism will also be trivial. And to the extent that a problem is serious — i.e., “not normal” or not the sort of problem that a normal person would have — then it’s quite likely autism truly is the root cause of the problem.


So, what do you think? Can you think of other good reasons to blame autism for all of your problems? Or maybe you can think of reasons not to do this. Either way, please share your thoughts in a comment below, unless of course you are seriously worried that I might one day use autism as an excuse to murder someone. If that’s the case, please know that I have never murdered anyone before, indeed have no wish to harm anyone at all, and am in fact philosophically opposed to violence.


No Middle Ground: An Open Letter to the People of Earth

Dear Earthling,

I have a serious problem. To begin with, I sincerely believe that my Civil Rights have been violated, and it really seems to me like you don’t give a shit. That’s a big part of the problem, but there’s more. See, when the dozen or so perpetrators who broke the Civil Rights laws in question committed this crime, they simultaneously stole your own luxury to not give a shit about it.

I know, I know. Bummer right? Here you were thinking that it’s not your problem that these assholes fucked me over in the way that they did, and now I’m telling you “er, sorry, amigo, but these assholes fucked you over too, by stealing your luxury to not give a shit.”

Yup, I know, it really sucks. I really wish it were some other way, but it’s not.

I’ll try to explain: see, what I’m calling “my Civil Rights” are not actually “my” Civil Rights. It’s not like they belong to me, or like I have Civil Rights that are somehow different from yours. In reality, my Civil Rights are also your Civil Rights. Ironically, they are also the Civil Rights of the perpetrators themselves — these people actually violated their own Civil Rights! As a result of this basic principle, when they broke the laws they broke, the perps inadvertently drew a line in the sand, and like it or not, now we all have to choose a side — the side of Civil Rights in general, or the other side, which is pretty much the side of Tyranny and Oppression. Like it or not, one way or another, you must choose. Of course, you don’t have to choose the Civil Rights side, but you must choose a side to stand on.

Forget about the middle ground. There’s no middle ground. These fools have stolen it.

Good luck!

PS: If it seems like I’m being ridiculous here, or blowing things out of proportion, etc. then to the extent you are correct, then (in my opinion) it’s probably because I’m autistic. As a rule, the bigger the mistake I make, I think the more likely it’s due to my being autistic (again, in my opinion).


Beware of Trump’s Fox in the EEOC Hen House: Former SS Officer Victoria A. Lipnic


Image Credit: EEOC webpage

Disclaimer: Just to be clear, in this context “SS” stands for Seyfarth Shaw, and NOT Hitler’s evil SS (Schutzstaffel) secret-police of Nazi infamy. And by “officer”, I mean “officer of the court”, because Ms. Lipnic is a lawyer. I want be clear on these points up front because I wouldn’t want anyone to accuse me of indulging in irresponsible sensationalism.

See, I only indulge in responsible sensationalism.

Having said that, however, this is more of an opinion piece, and I do have a fairly strong negative opinion about Donald Trump’s so-called “Equal” Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), what with my deep, frozen-bone conviction that an EEOC mediator and two EEOC investigators illegally collaborated (i.e. conspired) with my former employer and their Seyfarth Shaw legal counsel (the guy I’ve been calling “Batman”) to violate my Constitutionally protected Civil Rights, both as a private citizen and an autistically disabled person.

Yep, you read that right:

Batman and Lipnic are former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues.

Batman still does work for Seyfarth Shaw — a large and shamelessly pro-employer law firm — and Trump’s acting Chair of the EEOC (Lipnic) used to work for that same firm. In other words, back in 2017 when I filed my EEOC complaints against my former employer, it was like I was some dumbass chicken running to the head fox (Lipnic) to complain about another fox (Batman) who was trying to eat me!

Check out this disturbing pep rally that acting EEOC Chair Lipnic led in the Chicago Offices of Seyfarth Shaw on February 9, 2017. I’ll have more to say about this repugnant example of Trump’s cronyism in future posts.



Autism Made Me Do It

I’ve recently decided to start using autism as my go-to excuse for everything. (For background, see yesterday’s post Why I’ve Decided To Start Blaming Autism For All Of My Problems, So Fuck Off!)

“Why are you late for work?” — autism.

“Why haven’t you paid this bill?” — autism.

“Why is your car full of trash?” — autism.

“Your honor, the defendant peed on the claimant’s chihuahua because he’s autistic.”

Yep — I’ve decided to blame autism for everything — every problem I have, every mistake I make, every relationship I destroy — it’s all because of autism. All of it.

To be clear: I hereby officially reject — in writing, no less — all responsibility for my behavior. Going forward, everything I do wrong — especially the serious shit — I do wrong because I’m autistic.

And why have I decided to start doing this?

Well, several reasons, actually, but mainly because — yep, you guessed it — I’m autistic!

Boom! (Drops the mic, throws back his crimson-velvet, ermine-trimmed cape, and struts off while eating a chocolate-covered cheeseburger.)

Image Credit: Shutterstock

Why I’ve Decided To Start Blaming Autism For All Of My Problems, So Fuck Off!

Because I’m autistic.

So, fuck off!

Oh…and happy World Autism Awareness Day!


Image credits: Angry Walrus, Shutterstock; World Autism Awareness Day, Wikipedia.