Diversity Acceptance Consultant, At Your Service! — Another Open Letter To The Folks Who Recently Fired Me Illegally For Being Autistic

Dear Folks Who Recently Fired Me Illegally For Being Autistic:

laptop_outside

This is not really a picture of the laptop I’ve stolen, but it does exemplify the kind of excellent care I am taking of the real device. Everyday I take it out for some fresh air and sunshine. Image Credit: Pixabay

First, it’s been a good 10 days now since I’ve confessed to stealing your laptop in order to protest your decision to fire me illegally for being autistic, and I must admit that I feel surprised but fundamentally relieved that I haven’t been arrested yet.

Although I am psychologically prepared to “do the time” for this civilly disobedient cyber crime I’m committing, of course I’d much rather you all just come to your senses and give me back the job you stole from me. But if you really want to send an autistic man to prison over this, well, then rest assured I’m really prepared to go. But in the meantime, every day that I don’t go feels like a gift, and I’m grateful and fundamentally relieved to receive it.

I don’t know what’s taking you all so long to figure out what to do about our predicament, but as long as you’re mulling things over, I would like to suggest a third option — a kind of compromise, really — if it will make things easier for everybody. Basically, I’m wondering if you might like to become my very first paying clients for my new Diversity Acceptance Consulting business.

Please allow me to elaborate:

The obvious (to me) fact that you all fired me for being autistic strongly suggests that despite your company’s being one of the more autism friendly places to work, it nonetheless has some growing it might do with respect to its current Diversity and Inclusion Strategy — especially as this strategy addresses the autism issue, specifically, but probably also the more general issue of psychiatric disability as wellIn my opinion, and I hope you will agree, your company could really benefit from the help of an actually autistic person such as myself — someone who has the skills, background, and experience necessary to challenge your own complacent (let’s face it) and self-congratulatory (just being honest here) status quo, and to lead you all towards greater awareness, understanding, and especially acceptance of autistic people and more generally the psychiatrically disabled as well.

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Again, not your laptop, per se, but yours is comfortable and in the company of friendly and familiar objects. Image Credit: Pixabay

Now, I realize you’re probably skeptical, of course. I know my methods are somewhat eccentric or unconventional. Heck, I bet I’m the only service provider you’ve ever encountered who is actually willing to risk going to prison in order to offer his services to a prospective client, am I right?

But if you know anything useful about autism, you know that if I were truly capable of doing things the way normal people do them, I would have done so long ago. I didn’t choose to be the way I am. Nobody chooses to spend his life with his nose pressed to the glass wondering what its like to be a “normal” person. And nobody should be surprised when an autistic person does something unconventional, eccentric, or just plain weird. If my methods surprise you, then clearly you haven’t spent enough time with autistic people, and that’s a problem I was born to help you solve.

Also, I think if you are honest with yourselves — if you take a good hard look at the facts —  you’ll see that much of my work with your company has already been completed. I’m sure that if you all take careful stock of what you’ve learned about autism in the past few weeks — learned with my help, and, I might add, at great personal risk to me and my family — if you really open your eyes to how you now feel about autistic people (perhaps not me, per se, but at least other autistic people) and especially the whole situation vis-a-vis autism in general, I’m quite sure you will see that I definitely deliver the goods. I’m sure you are now much more aware, understanding, and accepting of autistic people than you were.

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Image Credit: Pixabay

I’m all about customer satisfaction, and oh, did I mention that I offer a 100% money back guarantee?

Yes, that’s right, you understood correctly — a 100% money back guarantee!

Due to the unorthodox nature of the service I offer, for now at least I have chosen to use an entirely tip-based business model. Like a waiter in a restaurant or a street performer, first I deliver my service to my customers for their complete enjoyment, and only after they’ve had a chance to fully benefit from that service do I offer them the opportunity to pay me, with absolutely no obligation to do so.

Yup, you understood that correctly: if you are not completely satisfied with my Diversity Acceptance Consulting service, then you don’t have to pay me a dime. Of course, if you are, say, 30% satisfied, then my hope is that you will pay me 30% of what you would have paid me if you’d been 100% satisfied, but I will leave all of those details entirely to your discretion. The upshot here is that because I’m running a tip-based business with all this, my customers have total control over whether and how much I get paid or not.

In any case, that’s the compromise I’d like to offer you. If you simply cannot give me back my job, and you simply cannot bring yourselves to press charges against me, then how about taking a middle road by becoming my first paying customer for my Diversity Acceptance Consulting business? If you do that, I will still keep your laptop as a souvenir, but you can definitely deduct the cost from whatever you were going to pay me.

I hope that makes things easier for you all. As I said, I am all about customer satisfaction!

Sincerely,

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”

Diversity Acceptance Consultant — at your service!

flying_walrus

 

 


Image Credit: Shutterstock (colored blocks)

Turn Me In To The FBI Today And Win This Attractive Bag Of Lawn Clippings!!!

Dear Reader,

Are you worried that I may have “crossed a line” by committing a felony in protest of the Trump Administration (not to mention everything else that a sane person might protest, especially the fact that since Trump became President I’ve been fired illegally twice for being autistic)?

Does it seem like I’ve gone “too damn far” by stealing a laptop loaded with protected customer information from the most recent company to fire me for having autism (a company which shall remain nameless, for now, and for reasons that are seeming less reasonable by the hour)?

Would you like to receive the attractive brown paper bag full of lawn clippings shown in the photo above as a Thank You gift?[1]

If so, then today’s your lucky day! Because with just a simple phone call to the FBI you can get that bag of lawn clippings as my Thank You gift simply for “dropping a dime on me” to the FBI regarding the above concerns in particular or in fact really any concerns at all you may have and which follow from my recent public confession that I have committed a felony cyber-crime just to protest, for example, the Trump Administration along with the fact that I’ve been fired illegally twice (for being autistic) since Trump became President, and in fact pretty much everything else that a sane person might protest these days, including but not limited to all the items discussed in yesterday’s open letter to President Trump’s acting Chair of the EEOC, Ms. Victoria A. Lipnic.

By the way, in case a bag of grass clippings isn’t already enough incentive, you should probably also recognize that the truly enormous size of my latest ex-employer’s customer database implies an excellent chance that I may in fact now be in possession of your own name, birthday, and Social Security Number.

Yikes!

So don’t delay. Address your concerns, whatever they are. Drop a dime on me to the FBI today!

Turn me in, please! Do it now, I’m begging you! Don’t over think it. Just follow this link to the FBI Contact Us webpage or do an Internet search on “report a crime to the FBI” and follow the easy instructions you will find.

And yes, I am being totally serious about everything except the bag of grass clippings. That part is really just a joke that I’m hoping will set you at ease long enough to get you to read this post. To be clear: I am not seriously offering anybody a bag of grass clippings as a Thank You for turning me into the FBI. But for the most part I’ve been posting on this topic with a straight face for several days now, and I really do not understand why I am not already in a jail cell.

I’m a friggin’ outlaw, for crying out loud! Somebody, please, do something!

I thank you sincerely in advance for you help,

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”


[1] In case it isn’t perfectly obvious: I’m really just kidding about the bag of lawn clippings. But I am definitely not kidding about asking you to turn me into the FBI. That part is quite serious. It’s been several days since I publicly confessed to stealing the laptop in question along with the protected customer data it contains, and so far I’m still a free man. I find this weird and disturbing, to say the least. I thought for sure I’d at least get a knock on the door from the police, but so far nothing — which is to say nada, nichts, rien, nyet, etc.

Is this a race thing I’m witnessing? Am I being protected by my so-called “white privilege”? Seems like these days black people can get arrested for forgetting to cover their mouths when coughing. I’ve stolen a friggin lap top and so far nobody seems to care!

Seal of the EEOC

I Confess! — Another Open Letter To Victoria A. Lipnic, President Trump’s Fox-in-Hen-House Acting Chair Of The EEOC

Trigger Warning: I don’t do trigger warnings (yet).

Hello Ms. Lipnic,

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Image Credit: EEOC webpage

While you are pondering yesterday’s only-seemingly-bizarre question, (“What would you do if President Trump grabbed your ‘pussy’?“) I would like to take this opportunity to confess to you publicly that I have recently committed a (non-violent) felony cyber crime in peaceful protest of, well, pretty much everything a sane person would protest nowadays, but especially the following somewhat exhausting but certainly not exhaustive list:

  1. That a bumbling, deceitful, childish, impulsive, pathologically ignorant misogynist like Donald Trump is my President, and thereby armed to the teeth with nuclear weapons and the world’s most powerful armed forces.
  2. That President Trump promoted you in January 2017 from your 2010-Obama-appointed bipartisan role as one of several EEOC Commissioners to your current fox-in-hen-house position as Acting Chair (boss) of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). In case you seriously don’t realize it, you are a fox in the EEOC hen house because you used to work for Seyfarth Shaw, LLP, one of the top anti-Labor law firms in the world, and you are in fact still so chummy with your former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues that they actually call you “Vicki”. Also, by your own admission you have long believed and stated that you see your organization as the “underscore employment opportunity Commission”, suggesting that the notion of Equality will be thrown under the bus if necessary to further Trump’s agenda of creating jobs for the Country’s white men so that they can feed their livestock, servants, children, and wives.
  3. That you gave a private pep rally[1] to your former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues on Feb. 9, 2017 to assure them all that thanks to your new and powerful role at the EEOC it was going to become much easier for them to defend an employer’s freedom to exploit, abuse, and illegally fire their underprivileged but otherwise qualified employees.
  4. That one of your former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues — Frederick “Fritz” T. Smith — appears to have been so emboldened by your Feb. 9th pep rally, that in retaliation for the two EEOC charges I filed in 2017 against his client and my former employer MetLife, Mr. Smith subsequently felt entitled to plan and inflict upon me and my family an ordeal that was so psychologically grueling that now I feel subsequently entitled, in the first place, to describe it as a form of gang rape, and second, to commit the aforementioned non-violent yet highly illegal felony cyber crime to protest this gang rape, along with everything else I’m protesting, including…
  5. That because Donald Trump is now our Man-Child-in-Chief, and because he promoted you to your fox-in-hen-house role as Acting Chair of the EEOC, I have been fired illegally twice this past year for being autistic, and without any legal and effective means of redress.
  6. That the first time I got fired in the past year for being autistic, the company (MetLife) had the nerve to allege to the EEOC that I had been fired for “inappropriate behavior” — a lie which Donald Trump’s “Grab’em by the Pussy” Administration has rendered completely obsolete and utterly impossible to tell anymore with a straight face [ironically, the Trump Administration’s total abolition of the archaic, arbitrary, and ethnocentric notion of “appropriate behavior” is really the only good thing that Trump has done for the USA].
  7. That the second time I got fired for being autistic this year, the company[2] had the nerve to allege in writing that they were firing me because they were going “…in a different direction with the role going forward” — another completely obsolete lie that no employer should ever use again (especially if they really do need to go in a different direction with a given role, so as not to aide and abet illegal firings by providing cover for them).
  8. That because I have no legal and effective means of redress for all of these items (not to mention everything else I’m protesting and which is not listed here), I am forced now by my conscience to risk the possibility of imprisonment and a criminal record in order to protest these items.

With respect to that last item (8): In other words, I’m committing this civilly disobedient felony in part to protest the fact that I must actually resort to committing a civilly disobedient felony in order to protest that I must actually resort to committing a civilly disobedient felony in order to protest…etc., etc., ad infinitum. Yes, yes, I know, right? That infinite regress certainly does seem bizarre, doesn’t it? But it is not really bizarre when you think it through, and for the same reasons that the Trump Administration has made it perfectly not bizarre for me to ask the President’s Acting Chair of the EEOC what she would do if the President of the United States of America grabbed her pussy.


[1] In the following bone-chilling video, watch how often her former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues refer chummily to Ms. Lipnic as “Vicki”. Also, at about minute 9, Ms. Lipnic explains her nightmarish vision of her organization as the “underscore employment opportunity” Commission, strongly suggesting that going forward the whole Equality thing was more a decoration than anything truly functional. This meeting was nothing less than a pep rally she gave her former Seyfarth Shaw colleagues to assure them that it was going to become much easier for them going forward to defend an employer’s freedom to exploit, abuse, and illegally fire their underprivileged but otherwise qualified employees.

[2] I have not yet revealed the name of my most recent ex-employer, but for reasons that are becoming untenable by the day.

Seal of the EEOC

What Would You Do If President Trump Grabbed Your ‘Pussy’? — A Serious Question For Victoria A. Lipnic, Trump’s Acting Chair Of The EEOC

Trigger Warning: I don’t do trigger warnings (yet).

Background

Two days ago I confessed publicly in a post on this blog that I have recently committed a non-violent but otherwise highly illegal felony cyber crime in peaceful protest of a number of things, not the least of which is the fact that US President Donald Trump is a well-documented mysogynist. I am also protesting the fact that I’ve been fired twice in the past year for being autistic, a crime which appears to be perfectly acceptable for employers to commit now, thanks to the fact that Donald Trump is POTUS. Other than Trump himself, the link between these three facts can be found in the person of Victoria A. Lipnic, Donald Trump’s openly anti-Labor fox in the EEOC hen house, who actually gave a (bone-chilling) pep talk on Feb. 9, 2017 to her former colleagues at the offices of Seyfarth Shaw, LLP, the notoriously anti-Labor law firm where Ms. Lipnic used to work. One of those former colleagues was Frederick “Fritz” T. Smith, the Seyfarth Shaw attorney who represented the first company to fire me for being autistic (MetLife) in both of the EEOC charges that I wound up filing against that company in 2017. Needless to say, because MetLife had the anti-Labor loyalty of Ms. Lipnic throughout these proceedings, both EEOC charges were resolved in favor of MetLife, a process which my family experienced as so psychologically grueling, that I have actually been comparing it to a gang rape.

Hello Ms. Lipnic,

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Victoria A. Lipnic, President Donald Trump’s Acting EEOC Chair. Image Credit: EEOC webpage

What would you do if one day President Donald Trump grabbed your “pussy” (i.e. vagina)?

Yup, serious question.

[Note: If you’re not familiar with the infamous Access Hollywood hot mic recording in which a 2005 pre-Presidential Donald Trump blathered on about his misogynistic code of personal ethics — he actually boasted about hand raping women (i.e. “grab’em by the pussy”) — you can watch it on YouTube here.]

Would you puke? Scream for help? Would you punch him in the testicles?

Would you feel flattered?

I know, I know, but based on what the President is heard saying in the recording, whenever he grabs a woman by her private parts, it means he thinks she is “beautiful”. We might wonder if across the globe female foreign ambassadors have been trained now to receive this gesture as a compliment, and not merely a sex crime — “…listen, you look nice today, so if he grabs you down there, don’t scream or punch him in the testicles. Just smile and feel appreciated….”

I know, I know, believe me, I do get it. This question I’m asking you probably seems really bizarre, but just how bizarre is it really?

Is it, for example, more bizarre than the fact that we actually gave this shameless woman-hater the keys to the Oval Office and armed him with nuclear weapons and the world’s most powerful military force?

Is it more bizarre than the fact that we don’t boot him to the curb immediately?

Is it more bizarre than the fact that every voting age citizen of the USA isn’t now sitting in a prison cell in (non-violent) protest of Trump’s Presidency and in virtuous fulfillment of Thoreau’s Civil Disobedience Axiom?[1]

I don’t think so.

In fact, I think that precisely because we made this crazy man our President, because we allow him to remain President, because we are not now each of us sitting civilly-disobediently in a prison cell in (non-violent) protest of his Presidency that we are now burdened with the awkward fact that we live in a surrealistic nightmare where this apparently bizarre question I’m asking you is actually not so bizarre after all. Here it is again:

“What would you do if one day President Donald Trump grabbed your pussy”?

Serious question, Ms. Lipnic. What would you do?

Please Don’t Send Me To Prison For Being Autistic Too! — An Open Letter To The Folks Who Just Fired Me For Being Autistic

Dear Folks Who Just Fired Me For Being Autistic,

Please don’t send me to prison for being autistic too!

What’s that you say? “Why would we do that?”

Heck if I know. Why did you fire me for being autistic? What’s your problem with autistic people anyway? Just how deep does your hatred go? Would you actually send me to prison just for being autistic? Do you really hate us that much?

I’ve decided to test this hypothesis. My goal here is to see if you’ll actually send an autistic man (me) to prison simply because he’s autistic. I don’t believe you will, but feel free to prove me wrong.

In order to conduct this test, I’ve decided to simply not return the company laptop you lent me when I started working for you last October. Yup, I’m going to just keep the darn thing, along with all of the protected customer data in contains and to which I still have free and easy access — including the birthdays and Social Security numbers of everyone who raped me last year, all of whom happen to be in your database. I won’t name all of these individuals quite yet, but you can confirm that Frederick T. Smith (CC’d) is in there. I’m pretty sure the simple fact that I know that will be enough to give probable cause to law-enforcement agencies to investigate, and all you folks (or Mr. Smith) need to do is report the crime.

But please don’t do that. Instead, just please recognize that I don’t actually deserve to go to prison simply because I’m autistic; nor do I deserve to be fired for that reason. What I’m really hoping you’ll do is just recognize that you shouldn’t have fired me for being autistic in the first place, and then rehire me back to my job, which was really perfect for me — it was perfect both for my autistic limitations, and it was perfect for my technical skills as well.

Instead of sending me to prison for being autistic, please just let me come back to work.

Sound good?

Let the experiment begin!

Sincerely,

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”

 

 

Please Stop Using the ‘Going In A Different Direction’ Pretext to Fire People: An Open Letter To Anybody’s Boss

Dear Anybody’s Boss,

Please do not ever again fire or otherwise deny someone employment under the tired old pretext of “going in a different direction with this role” (or any of its cousins, e.g. “internal restructuring”, etc.)

Of course, definitely do not use this pretext to fire someone illegally, but especially if you really do need to let someone go for a legitimate and non-discriminatory reason, then especially in that case, please do not use the exact same pretext that a criminal may use to fire someone illegally without detection.

In short: please do not let someone who would commit such a crime use you as cover for their misdeeds.

Especially because you are not a self-righteous, pathologically ignorant, insecure, and sanctimonious bigot; and especially because you revile the criminal acts of those who commit such crimes; especially because you truly are a good person, then please, please do not ever allow yourself to be mistaken for a common criminal by using the exact same pretext that they use.

Please, please let that be just their thing, so that it will eventually become just a polite way for them to confess that they are firing someone illegally, and eventually used in a court of law as such.

I thank you in advance for your consideration of the above.

Sincerely,

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”

You Just Got Me Fired For Being Autistic Again! — Another Open Letter to a Man Who Raped Me

[Trigger Warning: I don’t do trigger warnings (yet).]

Hi Fritz,

Well, congratulations, your evil plot to destroy me for being autistic is working. Remember that dream job I found miraculously last October?[1] The one that made my family and me feel like we had dodged your bullets? The one that was absolutely perfect for me — perfect both for my autistic limitations and my technical skills; perfect because the company is in fact one of the more autism-friendly companies out there, so much so that it even has a program that creates jobs for autistic people?

Well, they just fired me for being autistic, and it’s mostly your fault. You see, Fritz, because you lied [your fault] to the EEOC investigators about why MetLife really fired me, and because the investigators subsequently just believed [their fault] your lies and dropped my charge instead of doing a real investigation [because their boss is your former Seyfarth Shaw colleague Victoria A. Lipnic, Donald Trump’s acting Chair of the EEOC], and because of your own dangerous ignorance and confusion [your fault] regarding autism and no doubt all psychiatric disabilities, I have found it utterly impossible to move past the gang rape you orchestrated and inflicted upon me [and indirectly my family — my children! — since their well-being depends heavily on my own, which you and your fellow rapists stole from us].

Obviously, the people who just fired me are also partly to blame, but it’s mostly because I am still obsessing autistically about that goddamn gang rape. Yes, yes, the “gang rape” that was “only” a “gang rape” in some purely figurative or metaphorical sense; the “so-called” gang rape you all managed to carry out with extreme politeness, with no physical contact whatsoever, and in fact almost entirely in writing! But again, from my perspective, this distinction between gang rape in a “merely figurative” sense, and actual gang rape in the old-school prison-shower sense has been far less useful for me than it has been for you and your fellow gang rapists at MetLife and the EEOC.

Figurative or not, it was a total mind-fuck of an ordeal, and it’s still fucking with my mind and the minds of pretty much everybody who cares about me.

To summarize briefly: I began working at my dream job in late October (2017) and everything started off wonderfully. It was like my family and I had won the lottery. I actually started to lose interest in you, MetLife, and what you had all done to us. I even considered withdrawing my EEOC charge against MetLife, but I was stopped by the idea that doing so would leave you all free to do again to others what you did to us. But by the middle of November, six months had passed since I filed the charge, so I reached out to the EEOC investigators to see if any progress had been made and they sent me that libelous tall tale you wrote for them instead of a legitimate EEOC position statement. When they then turned around and believed your lies, dropping the case and issuing me one of their so-called “Right to Sue” letters, a.k.a. the “Right to risk total bankruptcy by trying to sue a billion-dollar, global multi-national insurance company, that’s when I began to lose my marbles.

But at first not so bad that I wasn’t able to work. At first I was able to compartmentalize well enough to get my work done, but as the weeks passed my job performance began to suffer, and then back in March I could see that I was headed toward complete meltdown again, so I reached out to my doctor to see if she could help me get my head under control with meds. The good news is that she actually succeeded in doing just that, but it took several weeks, and in the meantime I continued to botch things on the job. So then about a month ago I started calling in sick. At first one day, then the next, and the next, until more than two full weeks had passed. Then finally when I was able to get back to work, they fired me under that hackneyed pretext companies always use when they want to fire someone illegally without getting caught, “…we’ve decided to go in a different direction with this role.”[2]

Holy shit, man, is there anybody that is still actually fooled by this nonsense? I seriously doubt it. Somehow we have accidentally gone and built a civilization where it is paradoxically legal to fire people illegally. All you have to do to enter that particular Twilight Zone is utter the magic words “the company has decided to go in a different direction with the role”. Somehow a sentence like that is all that is required to undo 50 some-odd years of Civil Rights legislation. Let’s soap-box that:

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Corporate America’s naked emperor.

HEY, CORPORATE AMERICA, YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE ANYMORE WITH THIS “GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION” BULLSHIT! YOUR EMPEROR IS NAKED!

Fritz, you need to tell your clients to stop using this pretext — especially if they’re not actually using it as an excuse to fire someone illegally. Sure, I get it, sometimes a company really does have to make changes and lay people off. But especially in that kind of situation they should never, ever blame the layoff on those changes. Why? Because when they do that, they provide cover for the bad guys — the companies that do fire people illegally and by using the same pretext.

Anyway, I figured you might like to know you have competition now — some new company vying for my attention. I won’t forget about you, though. No, you and I still have work to do together, but my thought furnace is only so big. To the extent that it is cooking one problem, it’s just not available to cook another.

And for now, my thought furnace is cooking this new problem.

Sincerely,

Daniel L. Scholten, a.k.a. “The Walrus”


[1] I don’t believe I have written yet about this on this blog. I did, however, tell Fritz about it in private emails I’ve sent to him. Also, so as not to balloon the text of this letter unnecessarily, I don’t explain that the position was actually a 1 year contract with the company in question, and that I had been recruited for the position by a well-known independent consulting firm. So I was not actually a full-time employee, but was in fact a consultant working for the consulting firm. These details, however, are mostly irrelevant to the events being discussed in the letter. There is another simplification that I make regarding the events in question, explained in footnote [2].

[2] That’s actually the short version of what happened. The long version is that while I was out on leave, I began to feel self-conscious about all the time I was taking, so I promised my employer that if I didn’t pull it together soon, I would resign and allow them to find a replacement. I did that to reassure them, thinking that my new medications would take-effect and I wouldn’t have to resign. But 5 days later, when they still hadn’t really kicked in yet, I decided to make good on my promise and resign. But then a few days after that they did start to work, so I quickly told by employer and asked if I could come back to work, which is when I was given the “going in a different direction” pretext. So, yes, I didn’t actually get fired, per se, but I resigned on good terms with them (or so I thought), they hadn’t yet filled my position, I was ready, willing, and able to work, I asked to come back, and suddenly out of the blue they’re “going in a different direction” with the job.

I call bullshit. The fact that I resigned is irrelevant. I resigned on good terms, am ready to return to work, and now the company won’t take me back. Why? Because they’re “going in a different direction with the role”? Is there anyone who actually buys that nonsense?

I know I don’t.