The World’s Most Quickly Broken New Year’s Resolution

Empty goals list

Image found here.

I suck at New Year’s resolutions. In fact, I’m so very bad at them, that if there’s anything I actually don’t want to accomplish in a given year — like eat a full bale of hay, for instance — as an extra precaution I’d do well to declare it as a New Year’s resolution!

Whenever I break a resolution, I do so quickly — often within a week. But this year, 2018, I hope to set something of a record in that regard. This year, I hope to set the world’s record for the most quickly broken New Year’s resolution ever. In fact, I can safely say that this resolution will be broken almost instantly — surely by the time I reach the end of the next sentence, thus:

In 2018, I hereby resolve to make absolutely no New Year’s resolutions whatsoever!

[Drops the mic; crowd goes berserk.]


On Police Cars and Stop Lights

Back of a police car.

Image credit: Shutterstock.

I hate pulling up behind a cop car stopped at a red light. I’m never sure when to stop. Three car lengths back makes you look suspicious. And doomed to fail are even the gentlest of bumper taps.

But whatever else you do it’s imperative to be decisive. DO NOT seek that elusive “correct distance” with rapid, back-and-forth adjustments!