White Men Go To Jail Sometimes Too, Don’t They?

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Image Credit: Shutterstock

It’s been a week since I publicly confessed to stealing a laptop computer in protest of what’s actually the second time in the past year or so that a company has fired me illegally for being autistic. Here I wish to confess my astonishment at the fact that I haven’t been arrested yet.

Folks, what the hell is going on? I’m pretty sure this is a felony I’ve committed here — a cyber crime. Heck, it might even be an act of “lone wolf terrorism” for crying out loud! Isn’t somebody going to waterboard me?

Yes, yes, I’m a white man, of course, but still — surely at least some white people go to jail, don’t they? What about — what’s that one guy’s name? Who was that?…he was white, for sure. Dang…what was his name?

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Anthony Hopkins as the fictional character Hannibal Lecter in the film Silence of the Lambs. Image Credit: MGM Pictures

Oh, right — Hannibal Lecter! There, see? Sometimes white people do go to jail. But of course that guy ate people. Must I actually eat someone in order to be held accountable for my actions? Would my victim also have to be white? Can I at least use a condiment — perhaps some honey mustard?

What if I just chewed for a while on some of the guy’s toenail clippings, would that count?

Just spittballin’ here…

Anyway, keep in mind please that the computer in question also happens to be loaded with all kinds of customer data that is protected by law — Social Security Numbers, etc. My newly ex-employer cannot just go around letting people access this data willy nilly. And yet, at this very moment I can both willy and nilly all I want with this data. I could go into it right now if I wanted to, look at the data, run my fingers over it, cover it in whipped cream. Sexy, sexy, data! Ooh, baby, yum!

sexy_mouth_strawberry_cream_315x210Heck, I could have your own birthday and Social Security Number on there, by which I mean you, yes you — the particular she or he reading these words right now, whoever you may be. My ex-employer’s database is enormous. Heck, I’m pretty sure Elvis is in there somewhere. I might have Elvis Presley’s Social Security Number on this damn laptop.  And if I have Elvis’s data, why not yours too? In principle at least I could use this data to steal your identity. I could go out and get a fake passport, birth certificate, credit cards etc. with your name on them and run around the country committing all manner of mischief in your name. Oh, the nasty numerologizing I could do to your Social Security Number — if I were so inclined (which I am not, lucky for you).

But that’s the least of it really, because this company’s database is so freaking huge — I mean we’re talking a sizable fraction of a billion customers are in this thing — that it just so happens to have the names, birthdays, and Social Security Numbers of all of the individuals who conspired to get me fired from MetLife last year, which is to say the first time in the past year or so that a company has illegally fired me for being autistic.

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Another example of a white man who went to prison.

How’s that for irony? First these people fire me illegally, and then somehow I get lucky and find a job working with a database that is so huge that it actually contains their own protected data!

But for me, really the most deliciously ironic part of this irony is that I’m actually in possession of this data for for the very man who organized and led the charge on that event, which, by the way, was such a coercive ordeal for my family and me that I now feel entitled to refer to it all as a form of gang rape, even though nobody ever touched me physically, and indeed it all mostly happened via Email.

That’s right, I now have the Social Security Number (birthday, etc.) of Seyfarth Shaw Partner Frederick “Fritz” T. Smith (pictured, right) — a.k.a. “Batman“, a.k.a. a man who raped me (yeah, yeah, “so to speak”).

But it’s been a week since I confessed all of this, and I’m still walking around free. Shouldn’t I be in jail by now? Is White Privilege really that powerful?

 

6 Comments

  1. Just out of curiosity, *are* you still able to access the database? Maybe they’ve got some kind of software the disables an errant laptop?

    They’ll probably just report you to the credit bureau and value the thing at $10,000. You are a cis white male. If not for the autism, you would be the glaring neon epitome of privilege. I think you’d have to *use* all that info in the database (which I very strongly advise against) to show up on their radar.

    Corporations have waaaay too much power! It seems they have more *rights* than actual people.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Unless they read your blog, which I doubt anyone of them is seeking that out, then no one knows you have it and maybe it isn’t considered stolen if they have some time limit on when you can return it.
      Plus, the law enforcement agencies are probably dealing with more heinous crimes and don’t have time to retrieve a laptop that hasn’t even been reported missing yet. I’m guessing your office doesn’t even know you have it and one day a few years from now they will do inventory and realize it.
      But again…I’m guessing no one even knows

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Although I have been sending emails to the folks in question to alert them to the situation, I think you’re right that they couldn’t care much less about my theft of their laptop. I’m mainly following through at this point out of sheer discipline. A real tempest in a teacup situation. Call me Quixote!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have a question. What do you want out of this confrontation with them and with your blog posts?
        They obviously won’t give you your job back. Have you gotten an attorney to sue for discrimination?
        Do you want to be arrested? Will that solve anything if you are? Because the way i see it you would be put in jail with some pretty heinous criminals and for what? To make a statement that no one will see and that won’t make a difference because they don’t care. There should be another way to make your point about unlawfully being discriminated against than announcing that you are intentionally breaking the law. But are you breaking the law? I mean you have a laptop that was loaned to you but did they ask for it back? And if not then it isn’t really stealing right? So you basically have an item that was loaned to you for your job that just hasn’t been requested back yet.
        I’m just trying to understand what you want to achieve and I don’t see how you asking to be put in jail will solve any of this. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Plus I am no lawyer but I don’t see how any laws were broken if you haven’t even been asked to give the item back. And if so why would the FBI get involved. I mean why not local police. FBI don’t deal with things such as this. They are busy hunting down ..well criminals of heinous crimes.
        So what “discipline ” are you talking about. I really do want to understand the intention and what you hope to get out of what you are doing. Because if it is all futile then why waste the time?

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Hi bethanyk, and thank you for that thoughtful, detailed, and important question. At the risk of oversimplifying, really my main goal with all of this is to help increase awareness, understanding, and acceptance of human diversity in general, and autism in particular. But I can make it even more specific: I’m trying to increase awareness, understanding, and acceptance of myself. At the moment, and for as long as I can remember, I have felt ignored, misunderstood, and rejected. Back in Nov. 2016, I learned to my surprise that the cause of my alienated condition is something called Autistic Spectrum Disorder (“ASD”, “autism”), and most recently I have come to understand that autism is not the only cause of this sort of alienation, and that probably most people feel more or less estranged from the world for any number of reasons ranging from weird skin tags and bad breath to speaking the wrong language or worshipping the wrong god. I’m guessing that a huge part of your own experience has centered and still does center around a sense of estrangement due to the unique traumas you’ve endured.

        So, that’s the general scheme of things as I see them, and regarding you specific concerns, I see the work that I’m doing as being so important that the risks you see me taking are necessary and worthwhile. Yes, I might end up in prison with some truly dangerous people, or I may wind up starving to death in a back alley somewhere, etc., but no matter what happens, I will know that it was for a worthy cause.

        I hope that clarifies things a bit. Please let me know if it doesn’t, or makes things less clear.

        Above all, thank you for caring enough to ask. 🙂

        Like

    2. I checked just a couple of days ago and can still access the computer. I’ll check again soon just to make sure. Maybe I’ll make a video of me checking and post the video. LOL. And thanks for pointing out the hit I might take to my credit rating. I hadn’t thought of that. And don’t worry about the data. Believe me, I’m a fanatic about data security. That data is safer with me than it is with most of the company’s actual employees. And I totally agree — corporations have waaaay too much power, for sure! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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