Autism Made Me Do It

I’ve recently decided to start using autism as my go-to excuse for everything. (For background, see yesterday’s post Why I’ve Decided To Start Blaming Autism For All Of My Problems, So Fuck Off!)

“Why are you late for work?” — autism.

“Why haven’t you paid this bill?” — autism.

“Why is your car full of trash?” — autism.

“Your honor, the defendant peed on the claimant’s chihuahua because he’s autistic.”

Yep — I’ve decided to blame autism for everything — every problem I have, every mistake I make, every relationship I destroy — it’s all because of autism. All of it.

To be clear: I hereby officially reject — in writing, no less — all responsibility for my behavior. Going forward, everything I do wrong — especially the serious shit — I do wrong because I’m autistic.

And why have I decided to start doing this?

Well, several reasons, actually, but mainly because — yep, you guessed it — I’m autistic!

Boom! (Drops the mic, throws back his crimson-velvet, ermine-trimmed cape, and struts off while eating a chocolate-covered cheeseburger.)

Image Credit: Shutterstock


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