I suck at New Year’s resolutions. In fact, I’m so very bad at them, that if there’s anything I actually don’t want to accomplish in a given year — like eat a full bale of hay, for instance — as an extra precaution I’d do well to declare it as a New Year’s resolution!
Whenever I break a resolution, I do so quickly — often within a week. But this year, 2018, I hope to set something of a record in that regard. This year, I hope to set the world’s record for the most quickly broken New Year’s resolution ever. In fact, I can safely say that this resolution will be broken almost instantly — surely by the time I reach the end of the next sentence, thus:
In 2018, I hereby resolve to make absolutely no New Year’s resolutions whatsoever!
[Drops the mic; crowd goes berserk.]