(Roozers, Washington, D.C.) After months of investigation, Federal investigators released a report Saturday debunking the very existence of news, both real and fake. “In a sense, I suppose you could say it’s all fake,” lead investigator Elvis Presley told reporters. “But really if it’s all fake,” Mr. Presley crooned while wiggling his butt and wearing really cool sunglasses, “then calling it fake and making a big deal out of its fakelicity is highly misleading — like throwing a hissy fit because bananas have a strong banana odor. OF COURSE THOSE BANANAS SMELL LIKE BANANAS!”, Presley pontificated while pouting and pointing.
Following the press conference Mr. Presley sang a few numbers from the old days and we all enjoyed a few fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, which made the whole room smell like bananas.